Conversations with my brother...

As I sit here with my brother, I reflect on some of the things about emotions and feelings. I'm more than aware that I have a completely different view on things when it comes to life but I'm more than sure that this true:
Does the person care enough to ask you how you are doing? Do they take the time of their day to "check" in on you? Do they make sure to find a way to make you smile and happy when your sad or need a quick pick me up? Can you think of the person in a positive light no matter how much they have hurt you? Can you still say you love them with all the mistakes they've made? Is it more important to see that person happy than anything else in the world? Would you force your feelings of upset aside to make that person happy? Will you go out your way to make that person feel important in your life at least once in awhile?

If you can say yes to any of these questions then there is more than enough care in that relationship than you should expect from the other person. Nothing is given to us each day and the small bit of that day that a person is willing to pick up the phone to say "hello" or "how are you doing today?" or even to think of you as they look through bible verses every morning. Feel blessed that that person cares for you. I know that it may seem to sensitive to many of my readers, but I'm sure of one thing, until you have the chance to see first hand so many people step up and care about you at once you may never understand.

I know I can't say who this may inspire or touch in any special way. I can say that I'm extremely lucky to have so many people that care about me. And each person granted the amount of time or the amount of effort you have put into me, thank you and I hope to respond just the same way back to you. I'm lucky to have a chance to smile with each of you at any given special occasion. I know you all care even though you may not pick up the phone everyday to say that, just the occasional bible verse or the text to say nothing at all is more than enough for me.

I hope that something's can transcend to you during a time where everything may be overwhelming. Look at the bright side at least you don't have cancer. :-P

A smart, strong, caring individual left me with this song and I would like to leave you with the song "Where would I Be" by Gemstones to say that things can be a lot worse. And if you can't see it then look to me for that inspiration. I'm ok with being that moment of reality check for you. :-)

The "joys" of Chemo brain....

Many may not know this about chemotherapy but people who have gone through chemotherapy have what they call "chemo brain". Chemo brain is a mental state that occurs due to the amount of toxins that were pushed through your body. Many people tend to have short term memory loss. It's hard for the individual to remember things that are important to them, for example their car keys, their work schedule, or even to take out the trash. Many patients have effects of chemo brain well after treatment, especially people who have a history of alzhemier's or dementia. Since my grandfather has shown signs of these dieases, I am prone to having the effects the rest of my life. The only signs of chemo brain that I have seen in myself would be the fact that I can't remember the next word in a conversation that I've had many times before. I tend to forget birthdays that I use to ALWAYS remember. I even tend to forget the numbers in addresses I knew for years (which EVERYONE knows I remember numbers). However, chemo brain has not effected my brain when it comes to my academics. I feel as if my brain has become more focused on my statistic subjects then I have before. My chemo mom has had problems with chemo brain also when it comes to simple tasks. It's one of those things that we call collateral damage from chemo, oh well. I look forward to making the best of the situation that I can. I tend to look for new ways to do the same thing in order to allow my brain the ability to grow more. :-)

Key chains and bracelets

I'm so lucky to have such amazing people in my life!! Everyday of my life, I find a way to see just how much they really care. I have given those around me, keychains about sarcoma awareness and livestrong bands for their wrists. I've given those to each of you because I am so lucky to have you all in my life and I want you to know how thankful I am. I still have a few people to give the gifts to but I'm still very grateful for each of you. I would like to show my thanks and be with each of you everyday. :-)

I know you all did not come around to receive something in return but I'm still very grateful to give you something. I wish I could give you all more.

THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH!! I LOVE YOU ALL MORE THAN WORDS

Really bad cold...

So sorry for the late post for my early morning readers, but unforunately I have fallen down with a major head cold. My head hurts, my throat is extremely dry, and I have a really bad cough. I don't know where it came from but all I want to do is sleep today. I thought it might be allergies because I was sneezing all day yesterday but I woke up this morning feeling like a bee stunk my face. :-( Any ideas? I'm really not feeling well at all.

Coping with returning to "normality"

As I transition into a moment in my life where I get to see what my life will be like post cancer patient, I have a slight amount of anxiety. My chemo mom warn me that we would be going through this sort of post traumatic stress feeling but I didn't want to believe her. As I look at the google calendar that was used in the past to alert those in my life about treatments and future doctor appointments, I feel empty. There's little to nothing that needs to be addressed as soon as possible. I feel as if everything will go back to normal until I get too excited. For example this past weekend, I went to the Sweet Auburn feast in Atlanta, we enjoyed the day with drinks, people, and music. I became light-headed very quickly and then I realized once again that I was sick still. However, the only thing that helps me remember my recent past is my back pain and my finger nails at that time none of that mattered. Only thing that mattered at the time was the event. I soon realized what and who I really am. I'm more than excited to be normal like I was before but a small part of me knows that I will have to adjust to a new normal. It sort of sucks but I know that all things happen for a reason. I can only be grateful for the next second of each minute in each hour that God gives me. So I say thank You for the next second and the chance to learn something new.

Hair, Hair, everywhere!!!

If you know anything about cancer and chemo, you know that most people lose their hair. Well some people go into a relatively crazy state of mind when their hair falls out. There are others deal with it as a part of being a cancer patient. Confidently, I can say that I was one of the latter. I was really unmoved or directly related to the moment when my hair started to fall out. I am extremely confident in the fact that my hair doesn't define who I am and the amount of beauty I have. I really wish that other women without a deadly disease could see that our beauty lies much more deeper than the length, texture, and color of our hair. Anyway with that being said, I can say that I have been blessed enough to have the ability to grow my hair back. It's growing back very quickly considering I was completely bald just 2 months ago. With every blessing there is some sort of collateral damage that comes with it. Here is a funny story for you:

My mother and I were getting dressed to go out for dinner and a movie for Mother's day. As I step out of the shower with just a tank top on, she turns to me and says "Have you always been this hairy?" I say to her "I can't remember its been so long ago. I blame chemo brain." She then replies to me "well your back has A LOT of hair on it." 


HAHA as I thought about how embarrassing it is to have a hairy back but when you don't have any hair anywhere else, I guess it's nice to have hair anywhere. HAHA!! Either way, I would like to say that things could be a lot worse no hair and died or a hairy back and a full life ahead of me, I believe that I will take the latter. :-)

Happy Mother's Day!!!

To the most AMAZING WOMEN in the world I say THANK YOU. As I reflect on the last year of my life I realize that I have so many great mothers in my life. Ones that have been able to handle the ups and downs of my life. As I sit here in tears, I realize how special I really am to have 6 women who are more than willing to open their hearts, their minds, and their homes to me. I thank you all for everything. Since I've lost my grandmother during my battle with cancer, outside of the fact that my mother looks like her, I realize that all these women embody characteristics like my grandmother. The strict hand to do what I need to do to be health just reminds me of every weekend with my grandmother as a child. I am so excited to have these wonderful women in my life.

Thank you so much for dealing with my overwhelming, crazy, over the top lifestyle.

*Thank you, Karen for giving me life and the knowledge to remain strong in the mist of adversity.
*Thank you, Dr. D for being there when things got really bad during the latter part of treatment.
*Thank you, Theretha for taking the time, money, and effort to make me feel comfortable and knowledgable about the journey I had ahead of me.
*Thank you, Janice for taking ever single second, minute, and hour during your treatment to open your heart, mind, and ears to me.
*Thank you, Ms. Ressa for being able to jump in at times to fulfill as a parent to me when my mother wasn't able to be there for me.
*Thank you, Dr. E for being there to listen and advise my steps while dealing with my friends and family members.

Although very young, I would like to thank Megs for being there to force my stubborn mentality into a more realistic state. For being there to force a plate or bottle of water in front of me. Giving me the reality speech of the living will that has finally made it's way into the ending process. Thanks little mommy. :-P

THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING THERE FOR ME!! I'm more than sure my grandma would approve. I love you all more than words can explain. XOXOXO

A few GREAT friends...

I've always been the type of person didn't have very many friends. The reason for that was because I have been the type of person that believes that your friends are a reflection of who you are. The common phrase "You are the company you keep." or the phrase "Are you happy with your five closest friends?" If not then maybe you should consider looking for new friends or identifying something's within yourself. With that being stated, I have had the chance to look at ALL my friends in a completely different way. Some things I learned about them I wasn't excited to see but with others I got a chance to see within them true sense of strength and care. I can say I am extremely amazed with my friends. I had 2 friends who cut off their hair in honor of my beautiful "Mr. Clean" look a like contest. In which one of those friends allowed me to cut it off. I had friends fly up to send an extend weekend with me in a hospital. I've had friends go out of their way to be in the right hospital at the right time every time I was admitted. The same friend went to an uncomfortable party with statisticians. I've had a friend who drove a constant 2 hours just to watch me sleep for hours when sick. This same friend has made me dinner and has been to WAY to many doctors appointments. This friend can easily be said to be my youngest mom that I love more than I may express. I've had a friend who has freaked out after the news being announced, then when a little crazy came back down and then found a way to come to apologize to me. I've had friends who have taken me into their house when being extremely busy and overwhelmed with life in general. The friend made me and my family and friends feel extremely comfortable. In which this same friend I can consider a mom figure as well. I've had a friend who may have learned a lot about themselves and grown a lot as an individual. The friend has been to WAY too many doctors appointments and has truly been there when things got bad. I have a friend who realized the power in being true to their word and took me to the barbershop and got their hair cut just along with me as I freaked out about mine falling out. I have a really amazing friend who I believe is an amazing woman for traveling 2 hours both ways to be the one to sleep on the floor and be a great room organizer. Along with the others a great mother figure for me during this time. I have gained a truly fantastic friend who is extremely funny and self aware. Who has the ability to directly relate to me and my situation. A woman with an amazing ability to care for someone else with her last bit of energy. I've got a friend who has been to the hospital to play cards and fish world with me before and after 12 long hour shifts. And those who still treatment like a friend at school even when they know what's wrong. They don't understand how much I really appreciate the same amount of normality.

With all the good friends, there are a few friends who haven't been around much after things got really bad with me. A friend who I put a lot of confidence in during the earliest days of my treatment. A friend who I had a lot of expectations that were too high and I soon realized a part of a friend that I'm not comfortable about being around anymore. But a true lesson has been learned but this situation.

I have gain a true appreciation for each everyone in my life both good and bad which I can not ask for anything more. Thank you may not be enough words for this situation but I hope the keychains and the bracelets help. :-) THANKS GUYS!!

Thanks Chris!!! I really appreciated this :-)

I'm going to ATLANTA, GA....

It's so exciting to be able to go and do normal things. I'm getting on a plane to head to Atlanta to see my wonderful family and friends. I look forward to seeing a few people that I haven't seen in years. The only thing I look forward to hugging my mom for the first time in months. Thanks to Dr. "Hugs a lot" my patches have made me more mobile.

So grateful for this last academic year. I have really great friends and professors. Let's see what grades I get this semester. Stay tuned. :-)

This what I look like now...

I guess I have the "head" for a short hair cut

Sorry to my moms but I have lost more weight :-(

I am always going to be beautiful but I think that I am more now that I have nothing to hide me from the world. I like the short "cut". I'm not too happy with the weight but it's something that I have to work on. So enjoy. :-)

A day to remember...

As I get into the swing of things in my classes with my finals, I realize that I have other personal things to deal with. Once I realized that I had to get done with a final last night before I went to Dr. "Hugs a lot", I was hit with a really disappointing realization about one of my friends. Without overreacting I thought to myself, I'm really happy for them. I wasn't upset mostly with the news but I was more upset that my friend didn't feel comfortable to talk to me about it. I really would like to see them happy and I want them to have a great fullfilling life. It's just hard to find out they aren't comfortable around you. So I made sure to take a deep breathe and more again, taking one step forward. I got up this morning with a smile on my face and got dressed to see one of my favorite doctors. As I walked in with one of my teammates, I realized it's so much better when you look at the brighter things in life. :-) I got to ride in a really fast car (BMW z4), I got a chance to make Dr. "Hugs a lot" smile, I even made the nurses and the people in the cancer care center smile. That's what really matters. As soon as the high of being happy wore off, it was time to make my way to my last final of the semester. I'm so excited to see what the future has in stored for me but I'm more than excited to see what people God has to bless me in my life.

Thank you all for the amount of time, effort, and energy that you all have given to me. Love you all. Next blog will be from Atlanta.

Cancer Survival Party...

I would like to celebrate being a cancer survivor like a party of some sort. I just don't know if I should have the party on the day I was diagnosed or if I should have the party around the day after my last chemo treatment. What do you guys think? At camp I was told you are considered a survivor the day you were diagnosed, even if you only live for a few minutes. With that being said, I would like to do it during September. We should all wear green and yellow to support the liver cancer and the sarcoma cancer. :-}

Thank you all for your input!!

It's Finals time!!

It's that time of the semester where all the students find the energy and the time to study for classes that they have been in all semester. I have had the chance to be in classes while battling cancer and now I look forward to seeing what will happen on finals.

I know that I will do fine because I have learned something new about myself this summer. I can learn a subject mostly by listening in class and doing the homework. I don't know if it is the effects of chemo brain or it's a skill that I never knew I had.

Oh well, the first exam will be today in Time Series and the other will be tomorrow in Advanced Statistical Methodology.

Wish me luck!! :-)

If you tell me I can't I will show I can

Today was the best day for me in a long time.... I ran a mile today!! It has been a goal ever since my back surgery but silly little things got in the way, like chemo and such. Although it was a really slow mile, I ran the whole thing. I am so ready to get back into the thing that made me smile everyday. :-)

All I wanna say is, here's to the those who told me that I will never be "normal" again. Here's to the ones who counted me down and out when I said that I will run a mile by May 1st. I love for those to doubt me because when you doubt me I come in and show out. ;-)

Caution rough posting.....

So like I said once before, when I have time to think I think WAY TOO HARD!! With that being said that I would like to say a few rough things that have been on my heart for a few days. When I was at cancer camp, I met a woman that was also diagnosed with a form of a sarcoma. She has been in and out of hospitals, since she was diagnosed. I looked at the woman as a strong survivor but I also saw something that could happen to me.

WELL HONESTLY, I came back home to google some of the survival rates of people who have had angiosarcomas and hermangiosarcomas. Well things just don't look that great for people who have been diagnosed with a stage 4 cancer in this type. The survival rate for most sarcomas have a recurrence of a sarcoma in a 5 year length and death after 12-24 months.

As I sit here and cry about the fact that I may be a part of that statistic, I realize that I may not have the chance to children. The fact that I may never get married. The fact that I may not get the chance to have a work for a corporation or receive my Ph.D. degree in statistics. I think that have I truly lived my life to the "fullest"? Will I leave this earth with regrets because I didn't tell people the way I felt? Have people really had the chance to see the true beauty in me? Will I have the chance to see my loved ones before I past? Will I ever have the chance to be in love again? Will I have the chance to have a normal life again?

I know that this post may be extremely hard to read but the truth is I have these feelings inside of me. Please don't get me wrong, I will fight until the day I die but I also would like to tell people that it's not always peaches and cream. I get afraid some days when I go to the doctor. I don't always want to be the strong girl that everybody admires because she is battling a deadly cancer. I don't want to go to cancer camp and hear that I won't ever be normal again. I refuse to allow my feelings to be overlooked.

I am especially grateful for the extra days that God has given to me. The time that He has given to me in order to see the true blessings of all the people around me. I am so grateful for the people who love and care about me. I can honestly say that I wish that everyone had the chance to see how much someone in there life's really care about them. I am so blessed for this moment in my life.

I would also like to say that I am so sorry for the fact that I have hurt people while going through this. I am so sorry that I have hurt the loves that I love because I am in this point of my life. I don't mean to be a horrible/ broken person. I wish that I could still be the same strong girl that I use to be.

Support H.E.A.R.D. support website.....

Hello to all my followers!!

Here is a website that has more information about my specific cancer. The website has the chance to breakdown the type and the different ways it develops. Also I have included a website from the National Cancer Institute for more information about the survival rate. Either look for information about angiosarcoma or a soft-tissue sarcoma.

http://www.heardsupport.org

Cancer Camp Day 2 and Day 3 (Sat 4/30/11 -Sun 5/1/11)

Saturday morning was full of joy and inspiration!! After a really large breakfast, we had a learning session about chemo brain. A registered Breast Cancer Oncology Nurse gave a seminar on the effects of chemo on the patients brain. Each one of us have had some sort of mental delay due to the toxins of chemo. The nurse used the time to describe the many different ways to get over the chemo brain and exercise our minds more.

The next session of the day was a Palliative care nurse that thought us about the different ways to handle the different steps in our lives as survivors. We learned about the different ways to write a living will and for each of us to let everyone in our lives know how we want to live our lives. It was hard for me to sit and listen to this, but I know that Patrick and Dr d know what I need if things get bad.

Next was lunch and then Arts and Crafts. We had Hamburgers for lunch and chips. For the Arts & Crafts session of the day, I decided to go on a walk. I met a wonderful woman named Kathy who talked to me about how amazing being a Christian Cancer survivor could be. She listen to me about all of the "wonderful" things that I have gone through and she also made sure to tell me how to deal with people's attitudes. She was extremely amazing strong woman who has gone through a battle with colon cancer.

After our walk, Kathy and I joined a group of people playing Yuker. So, I decided to learn how to play. For those who don't know, its sort of like spades but I guess a lot of Indiana people play it. I had a chance to talk to more survivors as I played a hand of Yuker. Soon after, it was time to learn how to belly dance. I learned to do a lot of the moves but my goodness my back had a chance to get a good stretch.

After the belly dance class, it was time to go to the support group session. I really didn't know what to expect but I wanted to see what they were like. I had hope that it wasn't like the support groups on TV, like "Hi. My name is Denise and I am a cancer survivor." As the group responds all together "Hi! Denise!" But BOY was I wrong, I had a chance to see the different reasons on why someone goes to a support group. These things are a great place to find different resources and to see how other people are coping with different pains and effects from cancer. In group, I had a chance to speak, in which I had a REALLY HARD TIME speaking. I told the group that I wanted to have the chance to get married and have children but when I heard the woman speak at the camp fire, I can honestly say that I am afraid that I won't have that chance. As the group came to a close and people were still trying to comfort me, I found myself in a room with my chemo mom and my camp mom, Rachel. Rachel was AMAZING she is the typical hippie woman from the TV shows. She is easy going, loving, open, smart, and caring. She made sure to make me feel at ease during the conversation of what is next for me.

As dinner started, Rachel made sure that Liz, My chemo Mom and I all sat at the same table. We had fried chicken, green beans, and my FAV mashed potatoes!! While we were at dinner, we had a live band play for us. It was a really nice time. Although I would have rather been at a movie with a really good friend, I had a chance to meet some REALLY nice and cool people. We were asked to try on the wig of one of the other campers sister. (see photo blog) Me and my chemo mom were good sports about it but we both are extremely happy with the way that God and chemo has made us. ;-)

After dinner, it was time to play bingo for little door prizes. It was a great time with Rachel, my Chemo Mom, and Liz. It was a lot of fun, although I didn't know it took skill to win bingo. Apparently, my Chemo mom doesn't get that skill LOL. I won some stuff but I traded with the girls at the table. As we talked, I had the chance to get to know Rachel A LOT better. She has introduced me to some "alternative" pain management practices. HAHA!! Thanks so much Rachel

Sunday: FINALLY the last day of camp, we had an awards ceremony for best campers. I knew that My chemo mom would get the award but I had NO IDEA that I would get an award too. I was in complete shock when they called my name. As we drove back to Lafayette, Liz told us that it is an extremely big deal to be nominated for the award and I was completely honored to have made an impact on so many people. As everyone walked out we took pictures and said our good byes. I had the chance to take a picture with my moms (See photo blog). Its a little blurry but she had the shakes. Oh well what can you do? I had a great time at camp and I learned a lot. I have a lot of networking that I need to do but I feel a lot better about being a cancer survivor now. :-)

****THANK YOU ALL FOR READING MY BLOG!!!!*******

Cancer Camp Day 2 and Day 3 (Sat 4/30/11 -Sun 5/1/11) Pictures

Chemo brain seminar

The registered Breast Cancer Oncology nurse

Me in the hand me down wig

The belly dance teacher who was also a breast cancer survivor

Chemo Mom in the wig (Just BEAUTIFUL!!)

My bingo cards

Picture of Chemo Mom, my camp mom, and me after Camp Awards Ceremony

Cancer Camp Day 1 (Fri 4/29/11)

My wig and tiara before dinner

Chemo mom with her hair at dinner

Day 1 at Cancer Camp was amazing. It started off with a pick up from my apartment by my Chemo Mom. We then went to pick up an amazing woman named Liz. As we made our way down to Indy for camp, we got lost trying to find the right exit. After asking a gender ambitious person, we found our way back on the road, just in time for registration. The theme for the night and for dinner was "hats". In which we were asked to wear interesting hats to dinner. WELL me and my chemo mom figured we would do more of a fashion show. We were the only women there without hair, so we decided to go "buy" ours.

Bonfire and S'mores

Story telling

After dinner we had a bonfire, where we had a chance to talk about "our" stories or our battles with cancer. As each camper went around and told their stories, I realized that there were more women that have had sarcomas. We all had a different type of sarcomas but we had all be exposed to the same type. One older woman had visit the same sarcoma specialist in Indy that I saw. The fact that she was in the age range that usual patients had gotten the sarcomas made me a little sad. However, I did have a chance to see some of the struggles that she went through. She has had many surgeries on her lungs where the sarcomas returned. I really got emotion because of the fact that I was not really ready to see my potential future. I'm not being mean or anything but I am a 25 year old girl and I don't want my life to be in and out of hospitals. I can't see the value in life in sort of lifestyle. As more women and men told their stories, I realized that I would be the "baby" of the weekend. I am so excited that my chemo mom came because she helped me see the beauty in the power of knowledge. She wanted me to see that I could learn from these people and I should not be afraid of their outcomes because all of us have our own journey with cancer no matter what type.

As my chemo mom and I headed to bed, we looked forward to the next morning of educational sessions, crafts, and more food.

A few of My Favorite things...(Part two)

My favorite medical equipment:

• The "biggest loser" scale
• The IV pole a.k.a the stripper pole
• The medical bed
• The big recliner chair

My favorite chemo days:

• Nov. 8th (First day of chemo, had a great breakfast)
• Dec. 20th (Patrick, Meghan, and I went to the cafe in the hospital. MOST random breakfast and "Christmas tree" comment)
•  Mar. 1st (LAST DAY EVER!!)

My favorite moments to talk about:

• All my doctors appointments with my neurosurgeon 
• First day I told my friends at school what was going
• My friends being mean to me
• My dad not being around
• My male nurse/ my back surgery
• Spending the holidays at my second families house
• My grandmother passing away

My favorite moments to remember:

• Meghan bring me flowers to the hospital
• Spending time on Dr d's sofa with everyone and their conversations
• People crying after giving out my small gift of appreciation
• Spending time with the nurses at the hospital
• Christmas Day 2010
• Every single visit from each and everyone that came to visit me whether in a hospital, my apartment, or Dr. d's

***ONCE AGAIN, I can never say enough thank you for how much people have done for me and given to me. THANK YOU!!