A letter to my stepmother...

With all the conversation about the end of the world coming, I had the chance to sit down and think about things. I think that this has to be done for the reason to help clear my soul and my feelings.

Dear Ouida,
I would like to say that I have had the chance to think about the things in my life and I hope that you have the ability and the chance to read this entire letter. Once, I had the chance to know you, I have always loved you. The good, bad, and the ugly of everything that we have gone through. I want you to know that I have never been able to tell you my true feelings about what is on my heart but here it is. I have also was looked up to you from the day that I understood what you did for a leaving. You had the type of life that I wanted to look forward to. You were smart, beautiful, caring, giving, strong-willed, and very loving. I could only see the good in you. I saw that the beauty that was inside of you. You were able to look past the fact that I was not your biological daughter but you were able to let me be that for years. You taught me how to be a tall woman and be able to love the body God gave me. You taught me how to look at myself as a beautiful woman that should be treated like one. I have looked up to how pretty you were, how you were able to look at yourself with such high esteem. All I wanted to do was show you how I wanted to be like you. I wanted to be smart, strong-willed, caring, giving, and confident. I would always look at your strength to overcome things in your life as a road map for me. As you told me stories about your battle with your crohn's disease and overcoming through your undergraduate degree. As you told me stories about people on your corporate job that didn't like you and how you overcame the diversity. I also looked up to when you had your children. I looked at you as a wonderful mother and wife. I always looked at you as a second mother to me because I could tell you EVERYTHING that I was afraid to tell my mother. As things changed in your life, your career and your family life, I felt as if you resented me for being around. I have always wanted your approval of me and the things that I have done in my life. It seems as if I was never good enough. I thought you would look at me and say I am so proud of you when I graduated from Purdue. I thought you would say to me I am so proud of your for going to get your Master's degree from Purdue. I thought you would tell me "I love you so much for how strong you are. I see a little bit of me in you when I see you overcome all odds." I had no idea that I would spend more time crying on the phone with you begging to have you hear me out when talking about a family visit or a conversation about my illness. I can honestly say that I am a little disappointed about the fact that I have not seen you since Christmas. I know that you have a life and things are crazy for you and your family but I have been fighting for my life. I want you to know that I will never stop trying to get your attention. I am so sorry that I can't get you to see that I admire you and respect you so much even when I had the chance to turn away, I am still here for you. I love you so much and I really want the best for you and your family. I just hope that you understand and see that my heart is pure and real for just a small piece of your heart to live in. I want to be able to get your love and approval some day.

With ALL MY LOVE AND RESPECT,
Denise

I'm not so sure some of my readers will like this post but its something that has truly come from my heart and I appreciate you reading.