Feels like it's a dream

This morning felt like it was all a dream. I had no back pain at all!! I haven't been wearing my patches because it's way too hot for them to stick. I woke up to go to my zomata treatment at the hospital, which I did some work on my stat project. Two and a half hours later, I was helping my advisor with lunch. Until about 12:45pm I hadn't felt a single thing. Then on a single lift of a cardboard box off of the floor, shot a sharp stabbing pain all over my back. It made it extremely hard to stand. I smiled in pain as I finished my duties. After being given a break. I rushed to my pills in my office. Even with all the pain, I remained in my office until about 4:15pm. I ran over to see my other advisor before I ran to my appointment with my Dr. G. All of the hugs and the smiles were covering the fact that I was still in pain. I'm amazed at my ability to continue hour after hour after hour of pain. I'm surprised I didn't go into a pain coma.

Anyway, I got these amazing shirts from my friend Cecil (pictures coming soon) and I found out where Dr. Hugs a lot ran away to from her lovely office. I plan to follow her....to BOSTON I go!! I'll see you all the next time I'm in the state. Haha jk... She moved to a center here in Lafayette, so it's not that bad. I don't have to get use to someone new. Also, I got a cell phone number from my "fearful" neurosurgeon ;-) Ooooo yea baby!! Made my day!!

Long hard day has made a world of difference for me and I'm so grateful for it all. Even the hard stuff. I still know how to work hard. I feel like myself again. ^_^ Next step, trying to figure out of going to Miami will help me make a better lifetime goal as a statistician. Any suggestions?

Who you are...

After having a REALLY REALLY BAD few days!! I heard this song by Jessie J called "Who You Are," which changed my attitude. There are a couple of lines in the song where she says:

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing

Its okay not to be okay

Sometimes its hard to follow your heart

Tears don't mean you're losing

Everyone's bruising

Just be true to who you are

As I listened to each word in that song, I realized it's okay to be a little down sometimes and that I have a pretty rough life. But even as rough as it is, its still not that bad. It could be a lot worse. I could be masking my pain in order to be "strong" or "normal" and never learn from the things that hurt me. I'm stronger than I realize, even on my worse day... I'm much more stronger than most. And with those odds I'm pretty damn lucky to be who I am. I really don't give a crap what anyone else may think about my tears or my question in who I am because I'm changing with every step, with every new day, and with every no I receive. My tears make me stronger than you will never know. I don't really care what anyone says about me and my "insecurities" I'm better than I was yesterday because I'm able to say "I'm wrong" or "I'm sorry" or"You're right! I'll work on it".... I can't say that about most. :-)

So I'm gonna continue to cry and curse and yell when I don't understand!! I'm stronger when I wipe my eyes to see another day!!

I can't breathe..

As the world moves forward and the things change in my life, I can't breathe from the amount of anxiety that is mounting inside of me. I try my best to remain calm and remain happy but honestly, I can't breathe at all from the pressure. I feel like there is nothing I can do to get out. The walls are closing on me and I can't see a window. I want to be normal and I feel like I'm stuck. I still have really bad days with the pain in my back and I still get really tired. I don't know if it's me or just that I'm not allowing myself to move. I want to make these big decisions but I shut down and get overwhelmed with the next step! I feel like a failure... I really don't know what to do. I really don't. I want to be a strong person but honestly, it's hard when you feel alone without anyone to talk to that will understand. I've been asking God what I need to do next. He shows me the beauty in everyday but I don't seem what I can do to move forward. I really hope that people don't think I'm weak for this post but honestly, I'm scared, nervous, anxious, lost, and I need advice. I want to be amazing but honestly I don't feel amazing right now...

A gift for my doctors

After Relay for Life, I really wanted to do something nice for Dr. G. Then I soon found out that my oncologist Dr. "Hugs A Lot" is leaving! This really sucks and I wanted to let them both know how much I cared about them. So I went to All Fired Up to make them some cancer ribbons. I really hope that they like them because I'm so not creative at all.

I really tried... HAHA I know not THE best work

A nice week with my family

So my brother came into town and we hard a great time. We shopped in Indianapolis when he landed then we had fun here in Lafayette. He had a chance to meet a lot of people and he also got a chance to see what his life would be like here in Lafayette. I really hope he liked it. If not I hope it at least got him to think about going to Grad School soon. He doesn't know this but I'm more than willing to help him with his application fees. I plan to start tutoring statistics students this fall to help. We also had the chance to go to Chicago to visit Michigan Ave and the taste of Chicago. It was great to be in a the city. We ate like 3 different types of pizza, I hope my bro liked it. We made our way to the south suburbs to visit my dad and his family. My dad's face lit up with great joy to see all his children together at once. My sister was joyful just as much as my dad. It was fantastic to see how everyone got along for the day. It got even better when my sister asked my big little bro if he would come to her party tomorrow. My youngest bro looks in anxious happiness, my bro says yes. As we got up the following morning, the house filled with childish laughter and screams for the upcoming events. My brother and I went to the odyssey fun world to meet up with the family. It was amazing to see my youngest bro run around with my younger bro as they ran around playing basketball. As we left the Bradford household to visit my Aunt Jai, my youngest bro puts this big smile on his face and his arms open to give my younger bro a hug. It was a great visit. We all had a great time, if I can say so myself.

It was a great weekend for me, my bro and I stopped by to visit my uncle's grave site. As we walked past Odis and paid our respects, we walked to my uncle's grave. It was a nice moment of unspoken understanding between the three of us. I knew uncle David was there and I know we were all wishing we could be eating with the entire family at Momma Ressa's house. Where he and James were up at the crack of dawn to start cooking meat all day. I miss the usual July 4th weekend. I miss him so much but I feel him with me everyday. I know he will be with my in the audience in December when I get my masters degree. :-)

Best July 4th weekend for me in about 2 years! I'm a pretty lucky girl eventhough I'm broke from all the festivities, I'm grateful for those moments. Only thing that would've made it better was to see Sunshine mom, Theretha and her family, the Dubois clan, and last but not least the 3 Miami Bradfords.

Last Day of Sarcoma Awareness Month

It was a great June 30th!! You all took the time out to send me a picture of your yellow for Sarcoma Awareness Month!! I really appreciate you all taking the time out for doing this. If you have any questions about my treatment and my condition please feel free to let me know. I will also continue to post as much as possible. SO here are the pictures!! Please enjoy!!

Momma Ressa and her co-worker at work in their yellow

Mr. Pat in his milkman shirt

Mr. Pat's nice yellow air force ones... I think my converses will look better ;-)

My yellow at the batting cage

My bro in his "kinda" yellow at the batting cage

Mr. Collins as he goes to his corporate job in his yellow

My celebratory cupcakes for the last day

Ainee, Amber, and I at the midnight show of Transformers in our yellow

The lovely April in her yellow.

Ms. Diane in her yellow and green looking great!!

THANK YOU ALL FOR TAKING THE TIME THIS MONTH FOR SARCOMA AWARENESS!! I REALLY APPRECIATE IT!! I LOVE YOU ALL!!

The darling dentist

After my tooth chipped I asked Mom #2 to help with finding a place to get my tooth fixed. She referred me to the darling dentist in the back of the woods. The dentist was nice caring with a smile of gold. She came to help me with her delicate hands to help fix my tooth. She made me feel at ease the entire time. As she finished fixing my tooth, she turns to me with her beautiful white smile to say free of charge. My heart opened with pure joy. I asked to get my teeth clean because I really needed them clean and I wanted to pay for something. As my appointment came alone for my cleaning, she walks up again to tell me how much she admired me and that the cleaning was also free of charge. I started crying in the middle of the waiting room. I really didn't know what to do or say at the time. I'm so grateful for EVERYTHING that she has done for me along with her team. I'm truly blessed to have people in my life who can help me. I can't say thank you enough for everything that I've gotten due to this disease. I hope when I have the chance to do something for someone else I will pass it forward. I can give my all to someone and I see that others are willing to do the same for me.

Tomorrow I will put up the pictures of all the sarcoma awareness final day!! Thank you so much for all your help and participation. Love you all!!

ATTENTION LAST DAY of sarcoma awareness month

PLEASE PLEASE wear yellow tomorrow for sarcoma awareness month!! Take pictures and send them to me!! I want to make the last post of yellow an amazing one :-)

Thank you all!! I love you all so much for taking the time during the month to promote awareness and by wearing yellow!!

Small things that make big differences

I'm so excited that my oldest younger brother is here in the Midwest! I hope to give him a much needed break from his everyday life. I would also like to help him see how great it would be for him to move up here to get his M.S. in Engineering. It would be a great look for him.

Although the added benefits with him being here, I can only smile and look at how much just having him here makes my days better. He makes me laugh and at the small bit of just giving me great advice face to face. It really makes my days better and easier here already. HAHA I know I know I'm being a bit selfish. Anyway, I hope to get him all the pizza he wants this week and I hope I get a chance to visit the taste of Chicago and do a little shopping. ;-)

A tribute to Odis Brown

I hope Momma Ressa is okay with me doing this but here it goes...

A VERY SPECIAL kind hearted, funny, giving man that brought joy and laughter into a room, even in his final days. This man is extremely special to someone who is very special to me. Her name is Ressa aka Momma Ressa and Odis Brown is the man who could light up her face with a single joke. Odis suffered from lung cancer which then metasized to his brain. Odis was diagnosed and only given 2 years to live. As he loved his life with a toe tag given by his doctor, he still made the best of EVERY SINGLE DAY!! With a smile here and a joke there. My favorite joke of his was when, Patrick, Momma Ressa, Odis and I were at Dixie Kitchen talking about CPR. Momma Ressa said that you can crack someones rib cage when performing CPR. I laughed in a nervous way like that's not true. Momma Ressa says to me, "It's true, I've done it before." In both shock and disbelief both Patrick and I said no u haven't. Odis looks at us both and says "have you seen her arms?", pointing at Momma Ressa. As she turns in shock she laughs and punches him, which he says see my arm is broken now. Haha!! It was great. Plus there was always the joke that when it was time to order food, that he couldn't afford to feed Patrick because he ate too much.

The jokes along with the stories of shooting snakes and being a markersman makes the memory of him so strong and fond in my mind. Quiet honestly, I'm not as funny as he was but I tried to show people the lighter side of my diagnosis. I wanted more people to laugh rather than cry. And some of that attitude came from him. Thank you so much Odis for the joy you brought to us all. I still eat hot sauce on everything ;-)

Miss ya!!

June is still sarcoma awareness month...

Everyone should be aware that June is Sarcoma Awareness Month!! Please remember to wear yellow and tell someone about sarcomas. Here is an interesting sarcoma:

Kaposi’s sarcoma (KS) is a systemic disease which can present with cutaneous lesions with or without internal involvement. Four subtypes have been described: Classic KS, affecting middle aged men of Mediterranean and Jewish descent, African endemic KS, KS in iatrogenically immunosuppressed patients, and AIDS-related KS. The erythematous to violaceous cutaneous lesions seen in KS have several morphologies: macular, patch, plaque, nodular, and exophytic.

Only 6% of homosexual men are aware that KS is caused by a virus different from HIV[2]. Thus, there is little community effort to prevent KSHV infection. Similarly, no systematic screening of organ donations is in place.

In AIDS patients, Kaposi's sarcoma is considered an opportunistic infection, a disease that is able to gain a foothold in the body because the immune system has been weakened. With the rise of HIV/AIDS in Africa, where KSHV is widespread, KS has become the most frequently reported cancer in some countries.
(information provided by Wikipedia)

Many people don't know about these sarcomas but I hope that you all learned something new about these sarcomas. Separated the word to those who will listen.

Please remember to wear yellow for people like me!!

Relay for life Walk

Hello All!! I'm so sorry for the late posting but I would like to let you all know that its a great thing that I haven't been posting!! I have been busy living a busy "normal" life like a normal graduate student. :-)

Anyway, here is what has happened in the past 24 hours. I went to the Lafayette/ Tippecanoe County Relay for Life survivor's walk. The walk is an annual celebration created by the American Cancer Society (ACS) for funding for cancer research and cancer patients. It happens all over the United States all year round!! The walk occurs for 12 hours straight from about 7pm-7am, where some people stay on the track the entire night but most people start a team and people walk in shifts. It is a great way to see that "cancer never sleeps." I use to do these walks when I was a student in high school for my grandma and my grandpa, then I started to do the walks here at Purdue to keep the tradition alive. So this year's participation was a little bittersweet because I did it for myself, my grandma, my grandpa, my dad, and my sunshine mom, Theretha. It is a great way to exercise for one day at least ;-)

So I started the walk looking for my oncology group, then I went on to realize that my neurosurgeon had pledged to run the entire night for me!! As his assistant walks up to me to tell me that he was there for me, I began to cry! It was all of tears of joy because he didn't know if I would be here or not. So as he rounded the curve, I give him this really big hug with tears in my eyes. He allowed me to hug him!! Believe it or not, he started to cry too!! It was a beautiful moment that I wouldn't change for the world!! My chemo mom was there in her lovely pink with her beautiful children. We walked around the track together for the survivor walk. She also bought me a tribute bag for those who have survived cancer. I also had the chance to see the beautiful smiling faces of my cancer care center employees. They were bright eyed and all smiles as we walked by as survivors. I felt so great to have them all there!!  It was a great time maybe the best time that I have had in a LONG TIME since I was diagnosed.

As the walk came to an end, I went over to the track again to walk with my neurosurgeon. We walk for about 2 miles and we talked about everything!! It was great! I had a chance to get to know him a lot better. I can honestly say that I have a friend in him now. :-) *cue Toy Story theme song*

I THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING OUT TO THE WALK and if you would like to help someone like me or would like to do something nice that only involves you walking. PLEASE, PLEASE do Relay for Life in your local town!!

Chemo mom looking FABULOUS in her pink!! (Some of the kids thought she was a clown)

Chemo mom and I looking good in our survivor

The beginning of the survivor walk

The banners that led the walkers

I'm right behind the banner waving ;-)

Still waiting to start... the host was a little long winded

Chemo mom and I walking together

A better picture

Chemo mom's actual daughter, chemo mom and I as we finish our first lap.

My tribute bag from my chemo mom (THANK YOU!!)

My bag from ACS... although it says In loving memory to David Bruton next to mine, I thought of my uncle being there with me. Right next to me. :-)

My neurosurgeon's assistant and I as I cry from the news

Chemo mom's tribute bag

My AMAZING cancer care team!!

My neurosurgeon as he walks the curves (He's the guy in blue)

It was a guy dressed up to make money for cancer... But he was wearing my cancer color

The best guy in the world, Dr. G and I as he took a quick break

A local sarcoma survivor (7 years) and I

AS ALWAYS remember to support those who need help in research like cancer. We really, really appreciate it!!

Pictures for Sarcoma Month

Momma Ressa in her Aruba t-shirt!! I wanna go next time ;-)

Momma Ressa and her co-workers in yellow. I REALLY appreciate their participation

The yellow flowers in Momma Ressa's garden... I think my grandma would approve

More flowers from the garden... I wanna tomato this year :)

Mom #2 and me with our yellow flowers

I like this one a lot plus my little bro is in yellow and my little sis is wearing her livestrong band

LIKE ALWAYS.... WE ALL LOOK AMAZING IN YELLOW AND IT WILL BE GREAT TO GET AS MANY YELLOW PICTURES AS POSSIBLE THIS MONTH!!

Purdue Cancer Support Group...

Good news people... I'm really excited that I had a chance to sit down with a let's say... A big wig at Purdue who makes a lot of decisions with fundraising. She made a lot of effort to look into making a great strides to starting a group for young survivors here at Purdue. Many don't know but the amount of young adults with cancer has increased in the last few years, if we can get some sort of funding to start a group with scholarships and grants for those in either remission or those in the middle of treatment. We will also make great strides to form a support and safe haven for those who have questions about their friends, family, and education. I'm really excited to start this group at Purdue. I hope to encourage those who are afraid to talk about their disease will talk about it. I really hope to make a difference on campus. For those of you who would like to support us it would be great!! We need fundraising ideas and bodies to help do physical labor and get the word out. For those who know someone who was diagnosed at a young age and would like to get involved please feel free to have them contact me!!

I'm so elated to make someone's life a little easier. Making the world a better place one person at a time. I may have just found my calling. Thank you so much God for these abilities.

Always remember to wear YELLOW and support the sarcoma awareness month. Send your pictures of yellow attire my wonderful readers!! :-)

A few more pictures for sarcoma month...

Miss Brittany look extra yellow!! Miss ya girl

Mr. Lance pants in his yellow kid & play shirt... love it!!

Mr. Pat in his Lakers shirt!! So glad he took the time to take a pic twice this month

Ms. Ainee in her Sugar daddy shirt. I hope you find him ;-)

My beach look... in the middle of gordmans...

Ms. Jackso31 in her yellow!! Thanks much honey...

PLEASE continue to send the pictures to me with your yellow on!! It really means a lot to me. :-) With all my love.... D. Renee

Happy Father's Day!!!

Today has been a great day!! I went out to the suburbs of Chicago where my father lives to spend the day with my family. We started the day with breakfast, we had waffles and bacon, which my brother, Evan, will only eat. My sister and I spent the entire day locked at the hip. Wherever I went she went too. My brother is getting really big and is... how do you say a "typical boy." He finds ways to hit and torment my sister with all his being on his earth. Its kinda of funny because it looks like what me and my older younger brother were like at that age. Anyway, we rode bikes, we went to the store, we took a nap, we ate dinner and we had a great time in general. I'm really glad that I went. For those of you that don't know, I haven't seen my sister and brother since November because of the chemo. So this was a triumphant day for me to say the least. Here are a few pictures from the day. Special shout out to my friend Patrick... The sang the SpongeBob Square Pants Theme Song for a good 5 minutes when I mentioned your name. Had also, Evan asked for you a couple of times.

Happy Birthday Jeri Diann!!

It was a fashion show

Bottle/ nap time

Speed racer on his spiderman bike

Lil Sis riding the bike without training wheels now!!

The kids on couch...

My little bro rapping the Despicable Me theme song

Every time I go to complain

I know many of you have asked me over and over again, "How are you feeling?" and I have responded "I can't complain." The truth is I really have no reason to complain about a single thing in my life. I can't ask for one more thing I need or anything that I wish was different. I think about every child in St. Jude's hospital and Riely's hospital who have NEVER been to Disney world or never been on a plane or those teenaged who have never been to prom. I have done them all and I see myself as truly blessed beyond belief because I have had those moments. I'm stronger mentally then I would have EVER been without this situation. I would never change this life or this experience in my life!! I wish more people could see the beauty in front of them in their lives. It's so much worse than we all could imagine and I really wish you all could remember that. Thus life here that God has planned for us. The beauty in seeing the small victories in just a single day of tasks or just going to give someone something, a smile or even a card. Please people, if you learn anything at all from me I hope you learn that life is WAY too short to focus on the "not-haves." There is SOOOO much that you do have!!

Love you all more than words can explain. ^_^

So I chipped a tooth today...

Haha I really chipped a tooth today. It doesn't hurt but it did chip due to a carrot. So I called a few dentists in the area and they were all closed for some odd reason. So I called my doctor to let her know what was going on. Many don't know this but the zomata treatment makes your teeth weaker for some reason. So I wasn't surprised when the tooth chipped. It's one of my morals so no one can see it but my filling is completely showing. It doesn't hurt but it is a little uncomfortable. Dr. "Hugs a lot" told me that I should just tell the dentist that about my treatments. Then she also told me about what Dr. Shorty told her. She told me that he suggests that we wait until 6 months scans before moving forward to more chemo or even anymore radiation treatments on my liver! So hearing that news has made me realize that the tooth is just a little bump in the road. No big deal. Because all I could think of is making sure I realize how amazing it is to have no more new cancer in my body. I'm so blessed for that. Anyway Dr. "Hugs a lot" also told me told me that since I was always tired that I should consider the fact that I was dehydrated. So she told me to drunk a glass of pickle juice and/ or eat a large fry from McDonald's... HAHA I never thought I heard a doctor say those words to me but it was definitely a first for me.

Like always, wear something yellow and educate someone about sarcomas!! Love you all.

3 Month scans

Its so truly amazing to see how blue the sky is and how green the leaves and grass are after you receive good news!! A child's laugh is just a little bit sweeter when your doctor walks in to tell you I have some good news for you Denise. The smile on the face of a cancer patient's mouth when she realizes the fight was worth every bit of sacrifice that occurred up until this point. The single tear down the cheek of a smiling face to know that it was worth it all. To know that the fight is over for now is a beautiful thing in itself but ever better when the day matches. I'm so extremely happy to know that the lesions on my kidney are stable and there is no regrow in my spine. The amount of joy it brings to me, is truly undescriable. I wish everyone could feel this joy that God has given to me. When I thought it was all over, God shows me more of his blessings by giving me a check for $400 to pay off my bills. Granted not all of them but 4 is a great start. I can honestly say that I hope my tears of joy can radiant through all of you today or anyway. I'm so extremely happy and blessed with what God has done for me. Next step, getting the fund to help others started!!

With All my love and respect to all my readers!! Remember YELLOW is the new black... Wear it with pride.

As the anxiety sets....

I would like to let you all know that I have had a really long week already because I have had the results of my scans on my mind. I'm sure that nothing has changed and that there is only good news. The only thing that I can think of right now is the fact that this particular cancer tends to come back in the same place that it was removed. My stomach has been in knots and I haven't been feeling well at all. I really would like to move on and find a way to live my life without having to feel this way every few months or so. I'm so lucky to have a life that has little to no problems in it. I'm really lucky to have all the things in my life like those who know me very well my favorite statement is "I can't complain," which so extremely true. I would like to find a good medium between everything in my life.

Anyway, I will see you all here tomorrow so that I can update you on the good news. I have a lot to get done today. I need to finish my research proposal for my summer research project and I would like to get up in the morning to take a quick run. :-)

Like always, we all look GREAT in YELLOW!! Love you all...