Tomorrow marks the first day of Sarcoma awareness month!!

I'm so excited about the month of June!! It's a time of fun in the sun and it's also Sarcoma awareness month!! If you don't know the official color is yellow for sarcoma cancer!! Please make sure to wear something yellow all month! Please tell someone you don't know that you know someone who is a sarcoma survivor. :-) If at all possible, find the time to tell someone you cared for someone with a epitholid hermangiosarcoma and she is a strong, caring, loving, out-going, smart individual that has a lot to give this world. I think we should start a fund for individuals like me. Maybe take donations and such. Anyone agree?

Happy Sarcoma Awareness Month All!! Please wear yellow as much as you can. (If not wear green (-;)

LOVE YA!!

When doors seem closed...

It seems as if we tend to over look the doors that are open when we are busy trying to figure out why the door we want to be open is closed shut. I say that in deep reflection from being an individual that has seen a lot of doors close in my face lately. I have also been truly blessed enough to see a lot of doors open for me. I don't understand why I don't have the key to those closed lock doors but I'm glad that I have been granted access to a great many new doors. I can say that I have been a little sad because the holidays like these I tend to get really upset and sad because I miss my uncle's BBQ, laugh and company. But God has blessed me with an amazing way of being in great people's company. Those who see me for my amazing personality and company. I'm grateful for the doors that have closed in my life. It's like being able to see the hallway of success in front of me. I'm so happy to all the amazing people in my life. :-)

Thank you for having me in your lives and opening those doors for me!

Cancer Support Materials

Hey everyone!! Here is a website to help with Cancer Support. For those of you that have someone you know with any type of cancer or have been a caregiver to someone with cancer. This is a great website to get materials.

http://www.choosehope.com/

This is where I got the keychains and I would like to get more materials for people in my life. :-)

I hope you all enjoy.

How do you forgive..

So as you all know, I gave my dad the chance to come through. He made the effort to come today. He showed up with a smile on his face but I'm not so sure if he was happy in his heart. All I could see is the quilt in his eyes. He has a lot of things that are heavy on his heart. I know that because of the way he speaks and chuckles nervously. As I look at a man who is down on his luck, I realize anything that I have to say to him will only break him more. As I smile and joke with him over current events and stories about my younger brother and sister, I realize that nothing I would say to him would make me feel better and would only hurt him more. So I decided to quietly make casual conversation with my father. I could only feel sorry for someone so suppressed and unhappy with life and just the choices in general. I just wanted to give him everything that he needed in the world. But then I soon realized that you can't help or forgive those who can't help or forgive themselves. I gave him a huge hug and said "I love you" as he walked out the door to then promise to me I will see you again before I get a job. An empty promise that I have heard many times before. I smiled and said to him "I look forward to it." With tears in my eyes and in my heart, I realized there is nothing I can do or change in my dad's life. All I can do is ask God to give me the strength to be there to support him and ask God to continue to give him the strength he needs to support his family. I really hope that my dad finds it within himself to forgive himself. That's all I really want at this point.

The living will conversation...

Most of my older readers know what a living will is and most of my younger readers think it's shocking to have one at 25. However, I have to have a living will due to the fact that I don't know at any point of time I will need someone to speak up for me. I had to develop a will because my mother lives 700 miles away, in which I would rather have her make the decision on what will happen in a really bad situation. Unfortunately, I'm not absolutely sure that my father has a clear enough vision of what to do next. He may become guilty versus doing what I have asked for. So I had to complete my documents today. It was funny having a conversation with one of my peers, he asked me what was in the folder, I said "my living will," very causally. He looks like a deer in headlights. I laugh and say I have to have one due to the fact that my parents don't live close and sometimes don't get along. He start to chuckle neverously. Then states "my father just finished my grandfather's." HAHA, well he tried and I appreciate it. Oh well, it's another situation that has become a life lesson that I can help teach my other friends when things like this happen to them. :-) I'm so glad that I had Meghan around to help guide me in the right direction. It's something that I really needed to hear from her. Although, I was really recluntant to hear it at the time. It was heard Megs and it sunk in. ;-) Anywho, I'm glad it's done because I'm sure my dad will be giving me a heart attack tomorrow when he comes to visit. HAHAHA jk

Dear Dad....

So I don't really care if this is too much for most people. I don't care if this seems like too much info for people but this is a way for me to relieve stress so that I stay away from getting my tumor "Don" upset. I have a few issues with my father and I am sure that a lot of women can agree with some of these feelings and the situations at hand. If you don't wanna read the letter to my father, then I say wait until tomorrow for another post. If you think that this shouldn't be done then please don't give me any negative comments. Okay with all that being said, I will start my letter:

Dear Dad,
I would like to say first off that I have so much unconditional love and care for you. I will give you anything in the world that I could possibly find. I will do what ever I can to make your life any easier. At the beginning of this wonderful life journey, I had the chance to talk to you about being a parent to me during this time of need. I thought that we had an understanding that if you said that you were going to do something that you would. I have never asked for anything more than for you to be there for me. I have never asked for any money, property, or even held a grudge towards you about the past. I have always wanted to be apart of your life and your family. As long as I could remember, I was the one that would pick up the phone to call you to let you know how I was doing. I remember doing it since I was maybe 8 years old. I would call and let you know how my grades were and how things were going down in Atlanta. A small part of me as a little girl wanted my mom and dad to get back together but I knew that it wouldn't happen after I understood the situation a lot better. As we grew old, I felt like we started to grow apart. I made the effort to grow closer to you and your new family by going to a school in the Midwest. I wanted to go to school in the city of Chicago so that I could commute from your house to the city. It would help me feel like I got the chance to see what it would be like to be a child in your household. As I got the acceptance letter to Purdue, I knew that it wasn't what I wanted but it would be close enough. I thought with the two of us being only two hours away, I would be able to see you more. As I started my freshmen year and I tore my ACL, I didn't think that it would be as bad as it got but things got bad. I understand that you have a really hard time with job stability and the fact that you have a really hard time with the emotional burden to be the sole bread winner for your family. I still wanted to be there for you. I remember while in my sophomore year, I got a call from you asking for some money. I had no problem with taking the little extra money that I had in my savings account to help you. I didn't even hesitate to be there for you and your family. I knew that if you had to ask for it you really needed the money. As the year went on, I remember sitting in the hospital after my knee surgery alone on Christmas day. I called your house to see if you would make it, but you were busy. I waited for you to come and once you showed up it was really late. It really hurt me a lot, but I found forgives through God. I asked God to help me see the better side of the situation, so I did. As I went into my Junior year of college, I remember being so emotionally unstable that I went on a series of quests to find a way to make you proud of me. I started to work multiple jobs so that I didn't have to ask you for money. I remember receiving a phone call from Ouida telling me that I was asking for too much from your family. I didn't realize what was going on but I knew that I felt like I was kicked. I found it in myself to forgive you again for everything. I had outburst and rants about the way things were going in my life with you, but I feel like every girl has had that moment. As I started to my senior year in college, I remember having a talk with you to see if it was possible for me to move in with you after I graduated from Purdue. As we started a new year with me a member of your household, I made sure that I tried my best to live under your rules. As Ouida


My diagnosis was a scary moment for everyone but at least I knew that I had really strong people in my life to help my through it. Dad, I knew that you had a rare cancer before and I hoped that you would be there for me more. Granted hospitals are scary places where a lot of bad things happen, but a lot of good things happen there too. Your daughter was fighting for her life and you never came to be a small support for her. I wasn't expecting a miracle change from you but I thought once I told you "you are welcomed to come at any point you feel comfortable," I thought you would step up. After the talk that we had in September about what I needed from my father, I never knew that a little short of four months would have gone by without a single visit. Believe me, I understand that you have a family to take care of and their are extremely important to you. I never want to take a way from Jeri and Evan!! I love them with all my heart and soul. I love them like we are full blood siblings. So, I don't know if I am the right person to be here pouring my heart out to you like this because I don't want you to think that I don't love you unconditionally but I do love you enough to tell you that I am disappointed in the choices that you have made recently. I would also like to say that I am sorry for anything that I have done to you and your family in order for you all to not want me around. I just wanted all of you to be proud of me and look at me a strong, beautiful, amazing young woman that you would go and tell everyone. Honestly, I have felt like a failure for years because I thought that there was nothing in the world that I could do to make you happy and proud of me. I have a few issues with men because of those reasons. My ability to have a huge guard up and the fact that I have an underlying uncomfortable feeling of being secure because I feel like if I wasn't good enough for you then I won't be for anyone else. Honestly, I don't think that I'm that bad but it's nothing like hearing your father tell you how beautiful, smart, and amazing you are. I can walk with the smile on my face like nothing hurts but it hurts. I am comfortable with saying that I have forgiven you for everything that you have done. I will never stop loving. Just for your understanding and information, I talked to Uncle David before he past away about the relationship between you and I. He asked me to forgive you and I told him that I have forgiven him but I don't think that he has forgiven himself. I have also had a conversation with my ex-boyfriends who both told me that my guard is big that it makes me ugly and hard to deal with, in which I told them that it could be linked to the fact that I feel like you don't love me. In which, Patrick told me "He is proud of you and he thinks highly of you, but he knows that he has nothing to do with who you are." As those words came out of his mouth, I realized that it must suck for you to have that constant reminder that you weren't always there. However, I want you to know that you have the chance to change it. I want to work on making this relationship better. I just hope you are......

With ALL MY RESPECT AND LOVE IN ALL OF MY BODY,
Denise Renee' ("Munchers") Bradford a.k.a "Number 1"

READERS I AM SO SORRY FOR SUCH A LONG POST..... THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ IT. LOVE YA!!

A run and a quick swim....

I had an amazing day today!! I went for a quick 2 mile run this morning and then I went for a swim at the co-rec!! For the first time in a LOOONNNGGG time that I felt like an athlete. My body will hurt in the morning but it's always better to go hard then to not go at all.

I am so excited to start a new chapter in my life. No more playing the "Cancer Survivor" but the normal Denise that I use to be. Outside of all of that, I am glad that I don't have any hair because its easier to go from swimming to dress very quickly.

Next time, I will take someone with me. ;-)

The Strength behind the Smile and the tears...

I don't care what anyone says to me about anything that has happened to me and my emotions as a cancer patient, call me emotional unstable with a bunch of mood swings. I can honestly say that I am happy when I take the time to cry and let people in now. I have no guard when it comes to being emotional with the people in my life, well with those who truly care. I will be open with everything that I feel. I believe that who I am today can only be seen as a weak individual but when I look at myself in the mirror with tears in my eyes all I can see is the blessing that God has given me. Whether it be another day to learn or another day to see the beauty that God has here on this earth for me to see. I know that nothing but a smile and a few tears won't change the ideas of people who have never had the chance to see death, but I can tell you I am so blessed to be able to express myself the way that I have learned lately. I am more than just the individual that I once was but I am better than I have been in the past. Solely based on the fact that I am capable of seeing the world just a little brighter and a little bit more happier. Quietly, I sit in a room full of green and I never feel alone or by myself. I am lucky to have a special friend that walks with me in every single second. I have a strong, loving, forgiving, understanding God that is there with me. I can honestly say that I am sad that I have to spend this hard time alone with out a "significant other" but I am blessed to have a group of people who can see my beauty and my strength with everyday that I wake up and complete the simple tasks of the day. With every step I remember the day I almost lost the ability to walk, every mile ran brings the JOY of another miracle in my life.

By the way: I have decided to start training for another half-marathon in December. I would like to run in Nashville's Half-marathon for St. Jude's Hospital. I would like your support with encouragement and even a few miles ran with me. :-)

A moment of clarity...

My new favorite bracelet

A had a chance to clear my mind today at church. I went with a good friend of mine who I care very deeply about. As I got dressed for church, I reached into my purse (Yesss.... I HAVE A PURSE!! (-:) and found the last gift that I received form my grandma. the bracelet that I love some much. The reason that I love the bracelet outside of the fact that it is green, I like it because it was the first time that my grandmother saw me a young lady and not as the little tomboy in the family. It made me think of all the good things that I have inside of me. The things that so many people can't see. I have had so many nights look at myself as to blame for people not knowing me, but the truth is I have so much to give people that its hard to see the greatness all at once. I can always look past my pain to make sure that someone else is happy and I believe that I have that because of my grandma. She has always been the woman to look at others happiness more than her own. I am so grateful for this moment of clarity because it has given me the ability to move forward to being a great person.

A letter to my stepmother...

With all the conversation about the end of the world coming, I had the chance to sit down and think about things. I think that this has to be done for the reason to help clear my soul and my feelings.

Dear Ouida,
I would like to say that I have had the chance to think about the things in my life and I hope that you have the ability and the chance to read this entire letter. Once, I had the chance to know you, I have always loved you. The good, bad, and the ugly of everything that we have gone through. I want you to know that I have never been able to tell you my true feelings about what is on my heart but here it is. I have also was looked up to you from the day that I understood what you did for a leaving. You had the type of life that I wanted to look forward to. You were smart, beautiful, caring, giving, strong-willed, and very loving. I could only see the good in you. I saw that the beauty that was inside of you. You were able to look past the fact that I was not your biological daughter but you were able to let me be that for years. You taught me how to be a tall woman and be able to love the body God gave me. You taught me how to look at myself as a beautiful woman that should be treated like one. I have looked up to how pretty you were, how you were able to look at yourself with such high esteem. All I wanted to do was show you how I wanted to be like you. I wanted to be smart, strong-willed, caring, giving, and confident. I would always look at your strength to overcome things in your life as a road map for me. As you told me stories about your battle with your crohn's disease and overcoming through your undergraduate degree. As you told me stories about people on your corporate job that didn't like you and how you overcame the diversity. I also looked up to when you had your children. I looked at you as a wonderful mother and wife. I always looked at you as a second mother to me because I could tell you EVERYTHING that I was afraid to tell my mother. As things changed in your life, your career and your family life, I felt as if you resented me for being around. I have always wanted your approval of me and the things that I have done in my life. It seems as if I was never good enough. I thought you would look at me and say I am so proud of you when I graduated from Purdue. I thought you would say to me I am so proud of your for going to get your Master's degree from Purdue. I thought you would tell me "I love you so much for how strong you are. I see a little bit of me in you when I see you overcome all odds." I had no idea that I would spend more time crying on the phone with you begging to have you hear me out when talking about a family visit or a conversation about my illness. I can honestly say that I am a little disappointed about the fact that I have not seen you since Christmas. I know that you have a life and things are crazy for you and your family but I have been fighting for my life. I want you to know that I will never stop trying to get your attention. I am so sorry that I can't get you to see that I admire you and respect you so much even when I had the chance to turn away, I am still here for you. I love you so much and I really want the best for you and your family. I just hope that you understand and see that my heart is pure and real for just a small piece of your heart to live in. I want to be able to get your love and approval some day.

With ALL MY LOVE AND RESPECT,
Denise

I'm not so sure some of my readers will like this post but its something that has truly come from my heart and I appreciate you reading.

Medical Bills and distress

If any of you have been in the hospital, you know what it is like to have the medical bills come in the mail. I have had my few share of bills come through in my life, well as of recently I do. I have gotten to the point to feel like I am better off dead then I am alive. The bills are so expensive and there seems to be so many of them. Granted I am blessed to have insurance, however the insurance does not cover everything. I have had the joys of debt collectors calling my cell phone everyday. It is extremely exhausting mentally. Its one of those things that has the way of making your day change completely. I have no idea what I need to learn from this situation but all I want to do is either win the lottery or have the end of the world come soon then later. No matter what anyone says to me about the bill collectors, I know that its not worth the amount of stress that they bring. Its one thing to be in debt because you decided to buy unnecessary things on a credit card but its another when the debt is to "save" your life. Makes you think differently about life. I don't know what to do about my emotions and the things that I don't know what to do. :-/ 

To trial or not to trial (clinical trials)

I have been given a few options to look into clinical trials for my health. For those who don't know what clinical trials are, there is a great site that explains it all:
http://clinicaltrials.gov/ct2/info/understand

However, I am all for the amount of research that will be gained from my participation this reason is only due to the fact that I am a scientist at heart. I am also a human being and I don't like the idea of being a lab rat the rest of my life. I would like to live a fulfilling life that has nothing to do with hospitals at all. Question to my readers:
1. Should I live my life to the fullest as a young adult should?
2. Should I start to look into clinical trials to save my life?
3. What happens if I spend the rest of my life in and out of hospitals and nothing changes?
4. What would you do in this situation?
5. Am I giving up on life by choosing to be happy first?
6. Normal is a life contained to a drug for the rest of my life?
7. How would you like to see yourself at the end? Describing what you have done around the world or what you have done in the hospital the past 6-9 years?

I don't mean to scare anyone but I have had this on my mind and I would like to know that my shorter life doesn't have to be connect to a lifetime of drug experimentation. I don't know the answers to all these questions myself but the opinion of those would be nice. :-/

The story of the Ninja Dermatologist and her trusted side kick

Once upon a time in a far away place somewhere an hour away from Indianapolis and about two hours away from Chicago, where the people lived life of happiness and joy of small town life. There lived a young lady with cancer who had the pleasure of getting treatment for her disease However, the treatment for her disease made her breakout in horrible blackheads and pimples all over her face. She was asked to allow the treatment to take care of her body first and then they would deal with her face. Once the treatment was done with majority success, she was referred to the amazing doctor in the local area.

As the young girl walked into the new foreign place, she ran into a wonderful group of people in the middle of a forest. They talked to her like a normal persona and made her feel lovely. She walks into a room with a mirror and a surgical table, when the lonely side kick rushes into the room. He looks nice and handsome with his wing tip dress shoes, bow tie, and nerdy eye glasses. He looks at the young lady with great fear and defeat in his eyes, due to the fact that the young girl had a sense of humor about her not having any hair. The side kick became out of control, in which he soon leaped out of his chair to retrieve his trusted partner.

As the door opens with a swift turn of the door knob and gust of air conditioned air in walks the ninja dermatologist floats in. The ninja stands over the girl with a long black coat with matching pants. The coat had her lovely name stitched on the left side of her coat and buttons that scaled across her chest from her chest down to her belly button. She sits next to the girl with care and victory in her eyes. She tells the girl "you have beautiful skin but we have to show the world. We will like to put you on a topical cream to cure this horrible plague on your face." She gives a quick nod to her side kick and swiftly leaves like she entered. With a sigh of relief he finishes the consultation and sends the young girl on her way with goody bag full of samples. To soon see her again in 4-6 weeks for check up.

HAHA!! I hope you all got a great laugh about my wonderful dermatologist and her office members. :-)

Weight loss and the amazing shrinking stomach...

Well good morning to everyone!! Just a quick update I started my first summer class in over two years!! I'm excited to be back at school and I intend on taking this class like I've never been sick before in my life. :-) No judgments of being too harsh on myself. I just want to be consistently moving and keeping my mind running from chemo brain.

Anyway, I've been losing weight at an unlikely rate. I have tried to consume food but it just haven't been working out for me. I eat at least once a day but the portion sizes are extremely too much for me right now. :-( I've eaten my way through Atlanta but not as much as I use to eat. Everywhere we went I had to take home my food. I actually like eating good food but it just doesn't seem to be working out lately. I think I need to buy a feeding tube or something. Any ideas?

Moments of transition...

Well it's that time of the year as people move on to their next steps, I start to realize the what is next for me. I will really miss a lot of people and things that I am really comfortable with. I have these feelings of abandonment because I feel strongly attachment to my situation. I see that my friends are moving on to bigger and better things, in which I am so extremely proud and happy for them. I wish them all the best of luck from this point forward. I will really miss one of my closet friends from Purdue. He will be going off into the real world. He is extremely smart, caring, giving, and very very kind hearted. He can do anything that he puts his mind to and I really admire him for who he is. :-) I wish him all the best of luck and I hope that he doesn't forget me in the middle of Indiana. I have a friend who is going through a transition in life that will only make her a better person. She needs to take the steps in the right direction in order to be a better person. I know that she is smart, strong, capable, and extremely feisty for the thrill in life. I know that she will be a  huge success because she has already been through the worse in her life. I have a friend who has been given another chance at love and I know that its an extremely exciting time for him. I'm more than absolutely sure that they will be great together. He is smart, caring, giving, silly, funny, and open to the world. I know that he will make her happier than I know that he knows.... Never mind in second thought naw he knows it ;-) I don't wanna lose that friendship but I know that things happen for a reason. Good Luck. I have a friend who is extremely recent but I feel so connected to her in so many ways. We have a lot in common and I know that we are friends for a reason. She has a lot to offer this world and I know that she has given me a lot of information and knowledge that I couldn't never repay her. She has a heart of gold that matches her mind, spirit, and soul. She will have a great life where ever the wind may take her. I wish her the best in her life.

I'm really scared that I will be the same little sick girl that hasn't grown from anything in my life. I will still be here in Lafayette without learning anything new. I don't wanna be that woman at all. I have a few issues that I need to address but I think I have a lot to offer. I have something to give the world and someone special. I wish that I could show the world my beauty, but all I can see some times is damaged goods. It kinda sucks but I don't think that I've been that bad of a person for this situation. I just hope someone can see the beauty and strength that I have. And I hope people that I know don't forget or oversee the beauty in me. :-/

My Grandmother's Birthday....

Today would have been my grandmother's birthday!! I really miss her a lot... more and more everyday matter of a fact. I wanted to let her know that how I did this semester and I hope that she is proud of me. The more I think about her, the more I realize that without her we miss a lot. I miss her telling me that my cousin is doing great at VSU and she just became a Delta. I miss her telling me that she talked to my cousin in Boston and the kids are doing well. I miss the main stream line of communication with my family being her. 

Grandma during my last Christmas with her.

Grandma and Karmel talking about a gift.

I know that she is looking down on all of us today and making sure that we all have an angel walking with us. I miss her more and more each day. If I could give her a bracelet and key chain, I would. She has always been the woman to calm me down when I have no words to say. She has always found a way to make me feel like I was one of the "special" grand kids, but I'm sure we can all say the same. :-)

So here is my small tribute to a beautiful, smart, strong, stubborn, feisty, courageous, energetic woman that has given me more than she could ever imagine. I thank her so much for EVERYTHING she has done for me.

Conversations with my brother...

As I sit here with my brother, I reflect on some of the things about emotions and feelings. I'm more than aware that I have a completely different view on things when it comes to life but I'm more than sure that this true:
Does the person care enough to ask you how you are doing? Do they take the time of their day to "check" in on you? Do they make sure to find a way to make you smile and happy when your sad or need a quick pick me up? Can you think of the person in a positive light no matter how much they have hurt you? Can you still say you love them with all the mistakes they've made? Is it more important to see that person happy than anything else in the world? Would you force your feelings of upset aside to make that person happy? Will you go out your way to make that person feel important in your life at least once in awhile?

If you can say yes to any of these questions then there is more than enough care in that relationship than you should expect from the other person. Nothing is given to us each day and the small bit of that day that a person is willing to pick up the phone to say "hello" or "how are you doing today?" or even to think of you as they look through bible verses every morning. Feel blessed that that person cares for you. I know that it may seem to sensitive to many of my readers, but I'm sure of one thing, until you have the chance to see first hand so many people step up and care about you at once you may never understand.

I know I can't say who this may inspire or touch in any special way. I can say that I'm extremely lucky to have so many people that care about me. And each person granted the amount of time or the amount of effort you have put into me, thank you and I hope to respond just the same way back to you. I'm lucky to have a chance to smile with each of you at any given special occasion. I know you all care even though you may not pick up the phone everyday to say that, just the occasional bible verse or the text to say nothing at all is more than enough for me.

I hope that something's can transcend to you during a time where everything may be overwhelming. Look at the bright side at least you don't have cancer. :-P

A smart, strong, caring individual left me with this song and I would like to leave you with the song "Where would I Be" by Gemstones to say that things can be a lot worse. And if you can't see it then look to me for that inspiration. I'm ok with being that moment of reality check for you. :-)

The "joys" of Chemo brain....

Many may not know this about chemotherapy but people who have gone through chemotherapy have what they call "chemo brain". Chemo brain is a mental state that occurs due to the amount of toxins that were pushed through your body. Many people tend to have short term memory loss. It's hard for the individual to remember things that are important to them, for example their car keys, their work schedule, or even to take out the trash. Many patients have effects of chemo brain well after treatment, especially people who have a history of alzhemier's or dementia. Since my grandfather has shown signs of these dieases, I am prone to having the effects the rest of my life. The only signs of chemo brain that I have seen in myself would be the fact that I can't remember the next word in a conversation that I've had many times before. I tend to forget birthdays that I use to ALWAYS remember. I even tend to forget the numbers in addresses I knew for years (which EVERYONE knows I remember numbers). However, chemo brain has not effected my brain when it comes to my academics. I feel as if my brain has become more focused on my statistic subjects then I have before. My chemo mom has had problems with chemo brain also when it comes to simple tasks. It's one of those things that we call collateral damage from chemo, oh well. I look forward to making the best of the situation that I can. I tend to look for new ways to do the same thing in order to allow my brain the ability to grow more. :-)

Key chains and bracelets

I'm so lucky to have such amazing people in my life!! Everyday of my life, I find a way to see just how much they really care. I have given those around me, keychains about sarcoma awareness and livestrong bands for their wrists. I've given those to each of you because I am so lucky to have you all in my life and I want you to know how thankful I am. I still have a few people to give the gifts to but I'm still very grateful for each of you. I would like to show my thanks and be with each of you everyday. :-)

I know you all did not come around to receive something in return but I'm still very grateful to give you something. I wish I could give you all more.

THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH!! I LOVE YOU ALL MORE THAN WORDS

Really bad cold...

So sorry for the late post for my early morning readers, but unforunately I have fallen down with a major head cold. My head hurts, my throat is extremely dry, and I have a really bad cough. I don't know where it came from but all I want to do is sleep today. I thought it might be allergies because I was sneezing all day yesterday but I woke up this morning feeling like a bee stunk my face. :-( Any ideas? I'm really not feeling well at all.

Coping with returning to "normality"

As I transition into a moment in my life where I get to see what my life will be like post cancer patient, I have a slight amount of anxiety. My chemo mom warn me that we would be going through this sort of post traumatic stress feeling but I didn't want to believe her. As I look at the google calendar that was used in the past to alert those in my life about treatments and future doctor appointments, I feel empty. There's little to nothing that needs to be addressed as soon as possible. I feel as if everything will go back to normal until I get too excited. For example this past weekend, I went to the Sweet Auburn feast in Atlanta, we enjoyed the day with drinks, people, and music. I became light-headed very quickly and then I realized once again that I was sick still. However, the only thing that helps me remember my recent past is my back pain and my finger nails at that time none of that mattered. Only thing that mattered at the time was the event. I soon realized what and who I really am. I'm more than excited to be normal like I was before but a small part of me knows that I will have to adjust to a new normal. It sort of sucks but I know that all things happen for a reason. I can only be grateful for the next second of each minute in each hour that God gives me. So I say thank You for the next second and the chance to learn something new.

Hair, Hair, everywhere!!!

If you know anything about cancer and chemo, you know that most people lose their hair. Well some people go into a relatively crazy state of mind when their hair falls out. There are others deal with it as a part of being a cancer patient. Confidently, I can say that I was one of the latter. I was really unmoved or directly related to the moment when my hair started to fall out. I am extremely confident in the fact that my hair doesn't define who I am and the amount of beauty I have. I really wish that other women without a deadly disease could see that our beauty lies much more deeper than the length, texture, and color of our hair. Anyway with that being said, I can say that I have been blessed enough to have the ability to grow my hair back. It's growing back very quickly considering I was completely bald just 2 months ago. With every blessing there is some sort of collateral damage that comes with it. Here is a funny story for you:

My mother and I were getting dressed to go out for dinner and a movie for Mother's day. As I step out of the shower with just a tank top on, she turns to me and says "Have you always been this hairy?" I say to her "I can't remember its been so long ago. I blame chemo brain." She then replies to me "well your back has A LOT of hair on it." 


HAHA as I thought about how embarrassing it is to have a hairy back but when you don't have any hair anywhere else, I guess it's nice to have hair anywhere. HAHA!! Either way, I would like to say that things could be a lot worse no hair and died or a hairy back and a full life ahead of me, I believe that I will take the latter. :-)

Happy Mother's Day!!!

To the most AMAZING WOMEN in the world I say THANK YOU. As I reflect on the last year of my life I realize that I have so many great mothers in my life. Ones that have been able to handle the ups and downs of my life. As I sit here in tears, I realize how special I really am to have 6 women who are more than willing to open their hearts, their minds, and their homes to me. I thank you all for everything. Since I've lost my grandmother during my battle with cancer, outside of the fact that my mother looks like her, I realize that all these women embody characteristics like my grandmother. The strict hand to do what I need to do to be health just reminds me of every weekend with my grandmother as a child. I am so excited to have these wonderful women in my life.

Thank you so much for dealing with my overwhelming, crazy, over the top lifestyle.

*Thank you, Karen for giving me life and the knowledge to remain strong in the mist of adversity.
*Thank you, Dr. D for being there when things got really bad during the latter part of treatment.
*Thank you, Theretha for taking the time, money, and effort to make me feel comfortable and knowledgable about the journey I had ahead of me.
*Thank you, Janice for taking ever single second, minute, and hour during your treatment to open your heart, mind, and ears to me.
*Thank you, Ms. Ressa for being able to jump in at times to fulfill as a parent to me when my mother wasn't able to be there for me.
*Thank you, Dr. E for being there to listen and advise my steps while dealing with my friends and family members.

Although very young, I would like to thank Megs for being there to force my stubborn mentality into a more realistic state. For being there to force a plate or bottle of water in front of me. Giving me the reality speech of the living will that has finally made it's way into the ending process. Thanks little mommy. :-P

THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING THERE FOR ME!! I'm more than sure my grandma would approve. I love you all more than words can explain. XOXOXO

A few GREAT friends...

I've always been the type of person didn't have very many friends. The reason for that was because I have been the type of person that believes that your friends are a reflection of who you are. The common phrase "You are the company you keep." or the phrase "Are you happy with your five closest friends?" If not then maybe you should consider looking for new friends or identifying something's within yourself. With that being stated, I have had the chance to look at ALL my friends in a completely different way. Some things I learned about them I wasn't excited to see but with others I got a chance to see within them true sense of strength and care. I can say I am extremely amazed with my friends. I had 2 friends who cut off their hair in honor of my beautiful "Mr. Clean" look a like contest. In which one of those friends allowed me to cut it off. I had friends fly up to send an extend weekend with me in a hospital. I've had friends go out of their way to be in the right hospital at the right time every time I was admitted. The same friend went to an uncomfortable party with statisticians. I've had a friend who drove a constant 2 hours just to watch me sleep for hours when sick. This same friend has made me dinner and has been to WAY to many doctors appointments. This friend can easily be said to be my youngest mom that I love more than I may express. I've had a friend who has freaked out after the news being announced, then when a little crazy came back down and then found a way to come to apologize to me. I've had friends who have taken me into their house when being extremely busy and overwhelmed with life in general. The friend made me and my family and friends feel extremely comfortable. In which this same friend I can consider a mom figure as well. I've had a friend who may have learned a lot about themselves and grown a lot as an individual. The friend has been to WAY too many doctors appointments and has truly been there when things got bad. I have a friend who realized the power in being true to their word and took me to the barbershop and got their hair cut just along with me as I freaked out about mine falling out. I have a really amazing friend who I believe is an amazing woman for traveling 2 hours both ways to be the one to sleep on the floor and be a great room organizer. Along with the others a great mother figure for me during this time. I have gained a truly fantastic friend who is extremely funny and self aware. Who has the ability to directly relate to me and my situation. A woman with an amazing ability to care for someone else with her last bit of energy. I've got a friend who has been to the hospital to play cards and fish world with me before and after 12 long hour shifts. And those who still treatment like a friend at school even when they know what's wrong. They don't understand how much I really appreciate the same amount of normality.

With all the good friends, there are a few friends who haven't been around much after things got really bad with me. A friend who I put a lot of confidence in during the earliest days of my treatment. A friend who I had a lot of expectations that were too high and I soon realized a part of a friend that I'm not comfortable about being around anymore. But a true lesson has been learned but this situation.

I have gain a true appreciation for each everyone in my life both good and bad which I can not ask for anything more. Thank you may not be enough words for this situation but I hope the keychains and the bracelets help. :-) THANKS GUYS!!

Thanks Chris!!! I really appreciated this :-)

I'm going to ATLANTA, GA....

It's so exciting to be able to go and do normal things. I'm getting on a plane to head to Atlanta to see my wonderful family and friends. I look forward to seeing a few people that I haven't seen in years. The only thing I look forward to hugging my mom for the first time in months. Thanks to Dr. "Hugs a lot" my patches have made me more mobile.

So grateful for this last academic year. I have really great friends and professors. Let's see what grades I get this semester. Stay tuned. :-)

This what I look like now...

I guess I have the "head" for a short hair cut

Sorry to my moms but I have lost more weight :-(

I am always going to be beautiful but I think that I am more now that I have nothing to hide me from the world. I like the short "cut". I'm not too happy with the weight but it's something that I have to work on. So enjoy. :-)

A day to remember...

As I get into the swing of things in my classes with my finals, I realize that I have other personal things to deal with. Once I realized that I had to get done with a final last night before I went to Dr. "Hugs a lot", I was hit with a really disappointing realization about one of my friends. Without overreacting I thought to myself, I'm really happy for them. I wasn't upset mostly with the news but I was more upset that my friend didn't feel comfortable to talk to me about it. I really would like to see them happy and I want them to have a great fullfilling life. It's just hard to find out they aren't comfortable around you. So I made sure to take a deep breathe and more again, taking one step forward. I got up this morning with a smile on my face and got dressed to see one of my favorite doctors. As I walked in with one of my teammates, I realized it's so much better when you look at the brighter things in life. :-) I got to ride in a really fast car (BMW z4), I got a chance to make Dr. "Hugs a lot" smile, I even made the nurses and the people in the cancer care center smile. That's what really matters. As soon as the high of being happy wore off, it was time to make my way to my last final of the semester. I'm so excited to see what the future has in stored for me but I'm more than excited to see what people God has to bless me in my life.

Thank you all for the amount of time, effort, and energy that you all have given to me. Love you all. Next blog will be from Atlanta.

Cancer Survival Party...

I would like to celebrate being a cancer survivor like a party of some sort. I just don't know if I should have the party on the day I was diagnosed or if I should have the party around the day after my last chemo treatment. What do you guys think? At camp I was told you are considered a survivor the day you were diagnosed, even if you only live for a few minutes. With that being said, I would like to do it during September. We should all wear green and yellow to support the liver cancer and the sarcoma cancer. :-}

Thank you all for your input!!

It's Finals time!!

It's that time of the semester where all the students find the energy and the time to study for classes that they have been in all semester. I have had the chance to be in classes while battling cancer and now I look forward to seeing what will happen on finals.

I know that I will do fine because I have learned something new about myself this summer. I can learn a subject mostly by listening in class and doing the homework. I don't know if it is the effects of chemo brain or it's a skill that I never knew I had.

Oh well, the first exam will be today in Time Series and the other will be tomorrow in Advanced Statistical Methodology.

Wish me luck!! :-)

If you tell me I can't I will show I can

Today was the best day for me in a long time.... I ran a mile today!! It has been a goal ever since my back surgery but silly little things got in the way, like chemo and such. Although it was a really slow mile, I ran the whole thing. I am so ready to get back into the thing that made me smile everyday. :-)

All I wanna say is, here's to the those who told me that I will never be "normal" again. Here's to the ones who counted me down and out when I said that I will run a mile by May 1st. I love for those to doubt me because when you doubt me I come in and show out. ;-)

Caution rough posting.....

So like I said once before, when I have time to think I think WAY TOO HARD!! With that being said that I would like to say a few rough things that have been on my heart for a few days. When I was at cancer camp, I met a woman that was also diagnosed with a form of a sarcoma. She has been in and out of hospitals, since she was diagnosed. I looked at the woman as a strong survivor but I also saw something that could happen to me.

WELL HONESTLY, I came back home to google some of the survival rates of people who have had angiosarcomas and hermangiosarcomas. Well things just don't look that great for people who have been diagnosed with a stage 4 cancer in this type. The survival rate for most sarcomas have a recurrence of a sarcoma in a 5 year length and death after 12-24 months.

As I sit here and cry about the fact that I may be a part of that statistic, I realize that I may not have the chance to children. The fact that I may never get married. The fact that I may not get the chance to have a work for a corporation or receive my Ph.D. degree in statistics. I think that have I truly lived my life to the "fullest"? Will I leave this earth with regrets because I didn't tell people the way I felt? Have people really had the chance to see the true beauty in me? Will I have the chance to see my loved ones before I past? Will I ever have the chance to be in love again? Will I have the chance to have a normal life again?

I know that this post may be extremely hard to read but the truth is I have these feelings inside of me. Please don't get me wrong, I will fight until the day I die but I also would like to tell people that it's not always peaches and cream. I get afraid some days when I go to the doctor. I don't always want to be the strong girl that everybody admires because she is battling a deadly cancer. I don't want to go to cancer camp and hear that I won't ever be normal again. I refuse to allow my feelings to be overlooked.

I am especially grateful for the extra days that God has given to me. The time that He has given to me in order to see the true blessings of all the people around me. I am so grateful for the people who love and care about me. I can honestly say that I wish that everyone had the chance to see how much someone in there life's really care about them. I am so blessed for this moment in my life.

I would also like to say that I am so sorry for the fact that I have hurt people while going through this. I am so sorry that I have hurt the loves that I love because I am in this point of my life. I don't mean to be a horrible/ broken person. I wish that I could still be the same strong girl that I use to be.

Support H.E.A.R.D. support website.....

Hello to all my followers!!

Here is a website that has more information about my specific cancer. The website has the chance to breakdown the type and the different ways it develops. Also I have included a website from the National Cancer Institute for more information about the survival rate. Either look for information about angiosarcoma or a soft-tissue sarcoma.

http://www.heardsupport.org

Cancer Camp Day 2 and Day 3 (Sat 4/30/11 -Sun 5/1/11)

Saturday morning was full of joy and inspiration!! After a really large breakfast, we had a learning session about chemo brain. A registered Breast Cancer Oncology Nurse gave a seminar on the effects of chemo on the patients brain. Each one of us have had some sort of mental delay due to the toxins of chemo. The nurse used the time to describe the many different ways to get over the chemo brain and exercise our minds more.

The next session of the day was a Palliative care nurse that thought us about the different ways to handle the different steps in our lives as survivors. We learned about the different ways to write a living will and for each of us to let everyone in our lives know how we want to live our lives. It was hard for me to sit and listen to this, but I know that Patrick and Dr d know what I need if things get bad.

Next was lunch and then Arts and Crafts. We had Hamburgers for lunch and chips. For the Arts & Crafts session of the day, I decided to go on a walk. I met a wonderful woman named Kathy who talked to me about how amazing being a Christian Cancer survivor could be. She listen to me about all of the "wonderful" things that I have gone through and she also made sure to tell me how to deal with people's attitudes. She was extremely amazing strong woman who has gone through a battle with colon cancer.

After our walk, Kathy and I joined a group of people playing Yuker. So, I decided to learn how to play. For those who don't know, its sort of like spades but I guess a lot of Indiana people play it. I had a chance to talk to more survivors as I played a hand of Yuker. Soon after, it was time to learn how to belly dance. I learned to do a lot of the moves but my goodness my back had a chance to get a good stretch.

After the belly dance class, it was time to go to the support group session. I really didn't know what to expect but I wanted to see what they were like. I had hope that it wasn't like the support groups on TV, like "Hi. My name is Denise and I am a cancer survivor." As the group responds all together "Hi! Denise!" But BOY was I wrong, I had a chance to see the different reasons on why someone goes to a support group. These things are a great place to find different resources and to see how other people are coping with different pains and effects from cancer. In group, I had a chance to speak, in which I had a REALLY HARD TIME speaking. I told the group that I wanted to have the chance to get married and have children but when I heard the woman speak at the camp fire, I can honestly say that I am afraid that I won't have that chance. As the group came to a close and people were still trying to comfort me, I found myself in a room with my chemo mom and my camp mom, Rachel. Rachel was AMAZING she is the typical hippie woman from the TV shows. She is easy going, loving, open, smart, and caring. She made sure to make me feel at ease during the conversation of what is next for me.

As dinner started, Rachel made sure that Liz, My chemo Mom and I all sat at the same table. We had fried chicken, green beans, and my FAV mashed potatoes!! While we were at dinner, we had a live band play for us. It was a really nice time. Although I would have rather been at a movie with a really good friend, I had a chance to meet some REALLY nice and cool people. We were asked to try on the wig of one of the other campers sister. (see photo blog) Me and my chemo mom were good sports about it but we both are extremely happy with the way that God and chemo has made us. ;-)

After dinner, it was time to play bingo for little door prizes. It was a great time with Rachel, my Chemo Mom, and Liz. It was a lot of fun, although I didn't know it took skill to win bingo. Apparently, my Chemo mom doesn't get that skill LOL. I won some stuff but I traded with the girls at the table. As we talked, I had the chance to get to know Rachel A LOT better. She has introduced me to some "alternative" pain management practices. HAHA!! Thanks so much Rachel

Sunday: FINALLY the last day of camp, we had an awards ceremony for best campers. I knew that My chemo mom would get the award but I had NO IDEA that I would get an award too. I was in complete shock when they called my name. As we drove back to Lafayette, Liz told us that it is an extremely big deal to be nominated for the award and I was completely honored to have made an impact on so many people. As everyone walked out we took pictures and said our good byes. I had the chance to take a picture with my moms (See photo blog). Its a little blurry but she had the shakes. Oh well what can you do? I had a great time at camp and I learned a lot. I have a lot of networking that I need to do but I feel a lot better about being a cancer survivor now. :-)

****THANK YOU ALL FOR READING MY BLOG!!!!*******

Cancer Camp Day 2 and Day 3 (Sat 4/30/11 -Sun 5/1/11) Pictures

Chemo brain seminar

The registered Breast Cancer Oncology nurse

Me in the hand me down wig

The belly dance teacher who was also a breast cancer survivor

Chemo Mom in the wig (Just BEAUTIFUL!!)

My bingo cards

Picture of Chemo Mom, my camp mom, and me after Camp Awards Ceremony

Cancer Camp Day 1 (Fri 4/29/11)

My wig and tiara before dinner

Chemo mom with her hair at dinner

Day 1 at Cancer Camp was amazing. It started off with a pick up from my apartment by my Chemo Mom. We then went to pick up an amazing woman named Liz. As we made our way down to Indy for camp, we got lost trying to find the right exit. After asking a gender ambitious person, we found our way back on the road, just in time for registration. The theme for the night and for dinner was "hats". In which we were asked to wear interesting hats to dinner. WELL me and my chemo mom figured we would do more of a fashion show. We were the only women there without hair, so we decided to go "buy" ours.

Bonfire and S'mores

Story telling

After dinner we had a bonfire, where we had a chance to talk about "our" stories or our battles with cancer. As each camper went around and told their stories, I realized that there were more women that have had sarcomas. We all had a different type of sarcomas but we had all be exposed to the same type. One older woman had visit the same sarcoma specialist in Indy that I saw. The fact that she was in the age range that usual patients had gotten the sarcomas made me a little sad. However, I did have a chance to see some of the struggles that she went through. She has had many surgeries on her lungs where the sarcomas returned. I really got emotion because of the fact that I was not really ready to see my potential future. I'm not being mean or anything but I am a 25 year old girl and I don't want my life to be in and out of hospitals. I can't see the value in life in sort of lifestyle. As more women and men told their stories, I realized that I would be the "baby" of the weekend. I am so excited that my chemo mom came because she helped me see the beauty in the power of knowledge. She wanted me to see that I could learn from these people and I should not be afraid of their outcomes because all of us have our own journey with cancer no matter what type.

As my chemo mom and I headed to bed, we looked forward to the next morning of educational sessions, crafts, and more food.

A few of My Favorite things...(Part two)

My favorite medical equipment:

• The "biggest loser" scale
• The IV pole a.k.a the stripper pole
• The medical bed
• The big recliner chair

My favorite chemo days:

• Nov. 8th (First day of chemo, had a great breakfast)
• Dec. 20th (Patrick, Meghan, and I went to the cafe in the hospital. MOST random breakfast and "Christmas tree" comment)
•  Mar. 1st (LAST DAY EVER!!)

My favorite moments to talk about:

• All my doctors appointments with my neurosurgeon 
• First day I told my friends at school what was going
• My friends being mean to me
• My dad not being around
• My male nurse/ my back surgery
• Spending the holidays at my second families house
• My grandmother passing away

My favorite moments to remember:

• Meghan bring me flowers to the hospital
• Spending time on Dr d's sofa with everyone and their conversations
• People crying after giving out my small gift of appreciation
• Spending time with the nurses at the hospital
• Christmas Day 2010
• Every single visit from each and everyone that came to visit me whether in a hospital, my apartment, or Dr. d's

***ONCE AGAIN, I can never say enough thank you for how much people have done for me and given to me. THANK YOU!!