My seven pounds of giving to my caregivers

The movie "seven pounds" is about a man who has killed 7 people and he would like to give back the lives he took by giving 7 people who really need them a piece of his flesh. So with that being said I would like to give away my 7 pounds of flesh to the people I care A LOT about. So here it goes:

My eyes: I would like to give to Theretha for always taking the time to read into a bad situation and be there even when it didn't always clear say that you were needed. Thank you for over hearing the things that were not being said.

My ears: I would like to give to Meghan for always being there to listen to the things that I had to complain about. Even when it was a repeat of the same things OVER and OVER again.

My mouth: I would like to give to Dr. Z for being able to say the things that I was afraid to say and even more. I would also like to give you my smile because some days would have been really rough without your laugh and your smile.

My legs: I would like to give to Dr. D for being the person to always be there to drive me around. Taking me from school to your house, from your house to doctors appointments and even to the hospitals. You would LOVE being almost 6 ft tall!! I promise ^_-

My lungs: I would like to give to my chemo mom, Janice for always being there to offering the advice that I needed when I didn't want to admit that I was a cancer patient. For telling me what I need and the things that I need to know.

My liver (the good part): I would like to give to Stacy because even when I couldn't find the effort to drink just water, she would have a beer and a positive attitude to be there for me. She could make me laugh with just the sound of her voice.

My hair: I would like to give to Ainee for being the first person to cut your hair off when all my hair started to fall out. I really appreciate you being there.

My backbone (the strongest one in town): I would like to give to Patrick for being strong enough to stand and take the news when others broke and buckled. (be careful you won't make through airport security)

My heart: I would like to give to all of you ALWAYS BEING THERE FOR ME NO MATTER WHAT!! The days that I didn't know I would need you were there and the days when I didn't know what to do. Thank you for more than I could possibly give.

My blood: I would like to give to those in my life who wanted to be there but couldn't be there. Its enough to give EVERY SINGLE person who prayed and made sure that I stayed in their positive thoughts a drop. I thank those who asked God to help me through this and matter fact I like to give my blood to those who were to busy or too afraid to be there for me. ( I have to warn you all, my blood is pretty special its got platinum in it!!)

So technically its more than 7 pounds of flesh but you get the idea. I owe more than just a few body parts to the people who were there for me when I didn't know I needed you.

Dealing with the fine line....

Lately, I have been learning how to deal with the difference of a friend in the workplace and business. This is something that I have been having a really hard time adjusting to with a few people. I really admire and respect the women that I work with, but it has really been hard trying to make the appropriate adjustments that are necessary for me to make it. I feel like I am disappointing people than I really care a lot about. I want to make sure that I make them proud but I feel like I am drowning in disapproval. I can't believe that I have made so many mistakes. I have really made an effort to do well but I still feel like I am failing my superiors. How do you tell the person that I want to impress that I am depressed that I can not make her happy? Its a really fine line that I wish I had the answers to. I want to be a professionally, successful business woman but it has really been hard. My feelings aren't hurt but I don't want people to give up on me because I am a friend or because they feel sorry for me or they feel as if I am not good enough. My shortcomings have made me into a person that I am not happy with.  The more that I come to realization that I am unsuccessful, the more I feel weak and useless. How do you tell someone who can see all the potential and ability in you that you are starting to doubt yourself? How do you deal with the fact that no matter how much you want them to see you as a successful person, you are still can't see yourself but as a cancer patient and a failure? I want so desperately to be the best, however I haven't been able to see past all the things that I can't be. Well I know that we all have those feelings but I have really don't know why it seems to make me feel so DEPRESSED!! I have been depressed lately, which has made me a horrible person to be around.

Pictrues of my Wonderful T-shirts

My equation for a great chemo experience

The rest of the equation

"My doctor told me to make a list of things I want to accomplish..."

"My To Do List: Beat Cancer, Next: Take Over the world!!"

Thank you so much Cecil for taking the time to make these t-shirts for me!!

Feels like it's a dream

This morning felt like it was all a dream. I had no back pain at all!! I haven't been wearing my patches because it's way too hot for them to stick. I woke up to go to my zomata treatment at the hospital, which I did some work on my stat project. Two and a half hours later, I was helping my advisor with lunch. Until about 12:45pm I hadn't felt a single thing. Then on a single lift of a cardboard box off of the floor, shot a sharp stabbing pain all over my back. It made it extremely hard to stand. I smiled in pain as I finished my duties. After being given a break. I rushed to my pills in my office. Even with all the pain, I remained in my office until about 4:15pm. I ran over to see my other advisor before I ran to my appointment with my Dr. G. All of the hugs and the smiles were covering the fact that I was still in pain. I'm amazed at my ability to continue hour after hour after hour of pain. I'm surprised I didn't go into a pain coma.

Anyway, I got these amazing shirts from my friend Cecil (pictures coming soon) and I found out where Dr. Hugs a lot ran away to from her lovely office. I plan to follow her....to BOSTON I go!! I'll see you all the next time I'm in the state. Haha jk... She moved to a center here in Lafayette, so it's not that bad. I don't have to get use to someone new. Also, I got a cell phone number from my "fearful" neurosurgeon ;-) Ooooo yea baby!! Made my day!!

Long hard day has made a world of difference for me and I'm so grateful for it all. Even the hard stuff. I still know how to work hard. I feel like myself again. ^_^ Next step, trying to figure out of going to Miami will help me make a better lifetime goal as a statistician. Any suggestions?

Who you are...

After having a REALLY REALLY BAD few days!! I heard this song by Jessie J called "Who You Are," which changed my attitude. There are a couple of lines in the song where she says:

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing

Its okay not to be okay

Sometimes its hard to follow your heart

Tears don't mean you're losing

Everyone's bruising

Just be true to who you are

As I listened to each word in that song, I realized it's okay to be a little down sometimes and that I have a pretty rough life. But even as rough as it is, its still not that bad. It could be a lot worse. I could be masking my pain in order to be "strong" or "normal" and never learn from the things that hurt me. I'm stronger than I realize, even on my worse day... I'm much more stronger than most. And with those odds I'm pretty damn lucky to be who I am. I really don't give a crap what anyone else may think about my tears or my question in who I am because I'm changing with every step, with every new day, and with every no I receive. My tears make me stronger than you will never know. I don't really care what anyone says about me and my "insecurities" I'm better than I was yesterday because I'm able to say "I'm wrong" or "I'm sorry" or"You're right! I'll work on it".... I can't say that about most. :-)

So I'm gonna continue to cry and curse and yell when I don't understand!! I'm stronger when I wipe my eyes to see another day!!

I can't breathe..

As the world moves forward and the things change in my life, I can't breathe from the amount of anxiety that is mounting inside of me. I try my best to remain calm and remain happy but honestly, I can't breathe at all from the pressure. I feel like there is nothing I can do to get out. The walls are closing on me and I can't see a window. I want to be normal and I feel like I'm stuck. I still have really bad days with the pain in my back and I still get really tired. I don't know if it's me or just that I'm not allowing myself to move. I want to make these big decisions but I shut down and get overwhelmed with the next step! I feel like a failure... I really don't know what to do. I really don't. I want to be a strong person but honestly, it's hard when you feel alone without anyone to talk to that will understand. I've been asking God what I need to do next. He shows me the beauty in everyday but I don't seem what I can do to move forward. I really hope that people don't think I'm weak for this post but honestly, I'm scared, nervous, anxious, lost, and I need advice. I want to be amazing but honestly I don't feel amazing right now...

A gift for my doctors

After Relay for Life, I really wanted to do something nice for Dr. G. Then I soon found out that my oncologist Dr. "Hugs A Lot" is leaving! This really sucks and I wanted to let them both know how much I cared about them. So I went to All Fired Up to make them some cancer ribbons. I really hope that they like them because I'm so not creative at all.

I really tried... HAHA I know not THE best work

A nice week with my family

So my brother came into town and we hard a great time. We shopped in Indianapolis when he landed then we had fun here in Lafayette. He had a chance to meet a lot of people and he also got a chance to see what his life would be like here in Lafayette. I really hope he liked it. If not I hope it at least got him to think about going to Grad School soon. He doesn't know this but I'm more than willing to help him with his application fees. I plan to start tutoring statistics students this fall to help. We also had the chance to go to Chicago to visit Michigan Ave and the taste of Chicago. It was great to be in a the city. We ate like 3 different types of pizza, I hope my bro liked it. We made our way to the south suburbs to visit my dad and his family. My dad's face lit up with great joy to see all his children together at once. My sister was joyful just as much as my dad. It was fantastic to see how everyone got along for the day. It got even better when my sister asked my big little bro if he would come to her party tomorrow. My youngest bro looks in anxious happiness, my bro says yes. As we got up the following morning, the house filled with childish laughter and screams for the upcoming events. My brother and I went to the odyssey fun world to meet up with the family. It was amazing to see my youngest bro run around with my younger bro as they ran around playing basketball. As we left the Bradford household to visit my Aunt Jai, my youngest bro puts this big smile on his face and his arms open to give my younger bro a hug. It was a great visit. We all had a great time, if I can say so myself.

It was a great weekend for me, my bro and I stopped by to visit my uncle's grave site. As we walked past Odis and paid our respects, we walked to my uncle's grave. It was a nice moment of unspoken understanding between the three of us. I knew uncle David was there and I know we were all wishing we could be eating with the entire family at Momma Ressa's house. Where he and James were up at the crack of dawn to start cooking meat all day. I miss the usual July 4th weekend. I miss him so much but I feel him with me everyday. I know he will be with my in the audience in December when I get my masters degree. :-)

Best July 4th weekend for me in about 2 years! I'm a pretty lucky girl eventhough I'm broke from all the festivities, I'm grateful for those moments. Only thing that would've made it better was to see Sunshine mom, Theretha and her family, the Dubois clan, and last but not least the 3 Miami Bradfords.

Last Day of Sarcoma Awareness Month

It was a great June 30th!! You all took the time out to send me a picture of your yellow for Sarcoma Awareness Month!! I really appreciate you all taking the time out for doing this. If you have any questions about my treatment and my condition please feel free to let me know. I will also continue to post as much as possible. SO here are the pictures!! Please enjoy!!

Momma Ressa and her co-worker at work in their yellow

Mr. Pat in his milkman shirt

Mr. Pat's nice yellow air force ones... I think my converses will look better ;-)

My yellow at the batting cage

My bro in his "kinda" yellow at the batting cage

Mr. Collins as he goes to his corporate job in his yellow

My celebratory cupcakes for the last day

Ainee, Amber, and I at the midnight show of Transformers in our yellow

The lovely April in her yellow.

Ms. Diane in her yellow and green looking great!!

THANK YOU ALL FOR TAKING THE TIME THIS MONTH FOR SARCOMA AWARENESS!! I REALLY APPRECIATE IT!! I LOVE YOU ALL!!