So like I said once before, when I have time to think I think WAY TOO HARD!! With that being said that I would like to say a few rough things that have been on my heart for a few days. When I was at cancer camp, I met a woman that was also diagnosed with a form of a sarcoma. She has been in and out of hospitals, since she was diagnosed. I looked at the woman as a strong survivor but I also saw something that could happen to me.
WELL HONESTLY, I came back home to google some of the survival rates of people who have had angiosarcomas and hermangiosarcomas. Well things just don't look that great for people who have been diagnosed with a stage 4 cancer in this type. The survival rate for most sarcomas have a recurrence of a sarcoma in a 5 year length and death after 12-24 months.
As I sit here and cry about the fact that I may be a part of that statistic, I realize that I may not have the chance to children. The fact that I may never get married. The fact that I may not get the chance to have a work for a corporation or receive my Ph.D. degree in statistics. I think that have I truly lived my life to the "fullest"? Will I leave this earth with regrets because I didn't tell people the way I felt? Have people really had the chance to see the true beauty in me? Will I have the chance to see my loved ones before I past? Will I ever have the chance to be in love again? Will I have the chance to have a normal life again?
I know that this post may be extremely hard to read but the truth is I have these feelings inside of me. Please don't get me wrong, I will fight until the day I die but I also would like to tell people that it's not always peaches and cream. I get afraid some days when I go to the doctor. I don't always want to be the strong girl that everybody admires because she is battling a deadly cancer. I don't want to go to cancer camp and hear that I won't ever be normal again. I refuse to allow my feelings to be overlooked.
I am especially grateful for the extra days that God has given to me. The time that He has given to me in order to see the true blessings of all the people around me. I am so grateful for the people who love and care about me. I can honestly say that I wish that everyone had the chance to see how much someone in there life's really care about them. I am so blessed for this moment in my life.
I would also like to say that I am so sorry for the fact that I have hurt people while going through this. I am so sorry that I have hurt the loves that I love because I am in this point of my life. I don't mean to be a horrible/ broken person. I wish that I could still be the same strong girl that I use to be.
That's OK that this is a "rough posting", we need to be educated about ALL aspects of your journey. I wish I could make it all good....Love u.
ReplyDeleteYou are still that strong girl. As a matter of fact you are stronger than you used to be!... I will not accept any negativity. Everybody's disease is different. You are not like anyone else. No one can predict your future. Only God. So don't look at other peoples plight. You are individual and your course is different from theirs.
ReplyDeleteWe will stay positive and trust in God's power to strengthen and heal you.
He is able.
Much love,
Ressa
This is good, let it all out. We all need to know what we are up against. Be who you need to be each moment of your life. It's okay to feel sorry for yourself, it's okay to get angry, it's okay to...I will be right <3 here.
ReplyDeletewow-this is the first blog I've read- and i'm very impressed.
ReplyDeleteyou do not need to apologize, EVER, for any of your real, valid, true feelings, sweetie-pie!
I've spent the last two days researching hemangiosarcoma and it's daunting, EBONYta!
It reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally sucks to have Stage IV cancer, and it reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally sucks to have such an extremely rare cancer.
but there ARE survivors, even some thrivers, and we're going to "hunt them down" and pick their brain. hang in there, and I'll send the coloring project soon. Love, Rachel