"50/50" is the must see movie

Hey all!! I hope that all is well with you and yours. There is a movie out currently called "50/50", this movie has EVERYTHING that I try to convey here on my blog about my journey. I cried from all the things that were relative to my journey with cancer. Please go see it ASAP!! It will make you cry but only in the best way. :-)

A Year Strong (9/24/2011)

Thanks to the many people that have been there for me during this test. I am so glad that there are so many wonderful, caring individuals that are willing to take the time out for me. I would like to thank my caregivers for giving me EVERYTHING that I need. I would like to thank those who listened to me complain about not feeling well. I would like to thank those who gave me class notes when I couldn't make it to class. I would like to thank those of you that came by just because you wanted to help. I would like to thank you all for giving me the ability to continue the laughter in my life. I would like to thank my nurses and doctors for giving me the best care available. Even to those who didn't know what to say or do, I thank you for placing yourself in front of me still. I can't believe I have so many people in my life that care so much about me. I love you all with all my heart. Please continue to be the loving and caring people that you are. I'm sure that God will continue to bless you all.

The Residuals

So with all the great things that happen with treatment in cancer, there are A LOT of things that cancer patients don't talk about. So I would like for you all to know a few things that I have gone through...
1. The hot flashes still happen all day, everyday but my tolerance became better
2. The discoloration on my finger nails and toe nails (The color is so horrible people notice)
3. The pain never goes away in my back but it makes me stronger
4. My hair isn't the same and its hard to explain to new people why it isn't
5. My mind set will never be the same
6. The look in your loved one's eyes when they call you beautiful because they see the true beauty and strength in a cancer survivor!! The words "you look good" has so much more meaning then it has before.
***Most importantly making those in your life understand and see the fact that you have gotten better. Some don't understand the new you. My mindset is different in a great way. Its the best part about having cancer. :-) You learn to love everyday a little more than the last.

The ups and downs of life

Hello to all my readers!! I apologize for the lengthy period of time between postings but I've been pretty busy learning new things about statistics! I'm so happy with the fact that I have so many people in my life that care so very deeply about me. The more I look at the past year in depth, I realize the extreme strides that everyone who was there during the marathon race for my life. If I could find the amount of money and time that was given to me during my time of need, I would owe both those people and sallie Mae the rest of my life. If I could add the amount it would be way too much to place in the bank. I'm so grateful for the special people who have gone the extra mile for me. I have also had the pleasure to see the wonderful amounts of disappointment from people really close to me. If I could do it all over, I'm glad that I've had the chance to see them in their true light. Fear can change people but it's the way you deal with it that makes us who we are. My fear allowed me to see the beauty that God has created here on this earth. Given the opportunity to change it all would be like giving God the impression that I have not grown or learn from this situation. The ability to let go of hard situations and learn from them. I'm so lucky to see how amazing life is, next step the rest of my life.

My seven pounds of giving to my caregivers

The movie "seven pounds" is about a man who has killed 7 people and he would like to give back the lives he took by giving 7 people who really need them a piece of his flesh. So with that being said I would like to give away my 7 pounds of flesh to the people I care A LOT about. So here it goes:

My eyes: I would like to give to Theretha for always taking the time to read into a bad situation and be there even when it didn't always clear say that you were needed. Thank you for over hearing the things that were not being said.

My ears: I would like to give to Meghan for always being there to listen to the things that I had to complain about. Even when it was a repeat of the same things OVER and OVER again.

My mouth: I would like to give to Dr. Z for being able to say the things that I was afraid to say and even more. I would also like to give you my smile because some days would have been really rough without your laugh and your smile.

My legs: I would like to give to Dr. D for being the person to always be there to drive me around. Taking me from school to your house, from your house to doctors appointments and even to the hospitals. You would LOVE being almost 6 ft tall!! I promise ^_-

My lungs: I would like to give to my chemo mom, Janice for always being there to offering the advice that I needed when I didn't want to admit that I was a cancer patient. For telling me what I need and the things that I need to know.

My liver (the good part): I would like to give to Stacy because even when I couldn't find the effort to drink just water, she would have a beer and a positive attitude to be there for me. She could make me laugh with just the sound of her voice.

My hair: I would like to give to Ainee for being the first person to cut your hair off when all my hair started to fall out. I really appreciate you being there.

My backbone (the strongest one in town): I would like to give to Patrick for being strong enough to stand and take the news when others broke and buckled. (be careful you won't make through airport security)

My heart: I would like to give to all of you ALWAYS BEING THERE FOR ME NO MATTER WHAT!! The days that I didn't know I would need you were there and the days when I didn't know what to do. Thank you for more than I could possibly give.

My blood: I would like to give to those in my life who wanted to be there but couldn't be there. Its enough to give EVERY SINGLE person who prayed and made sure that I stayed in their positive thoughts a drop. I thank those who asked God to help me through this and matter fact I like to give my blood to those who were to busy or too afraid to be there for me. ( I have to warn you all, my blood is pretty special its got platinum in it!!)

So technically its more than 7 pounds of flesh but you get the idea. I owe more than just a few body parts to the people who were there for me when I didn't know I needed you.

Dealing with the fine line....

Lately, I have been learning how to deal with the difference of a friend in the workplace and business. This is something that I have been having a really hard time adjusting to with a few people. I really admire and respect the women that I work with, but it has really been hard trying to make the appropriate adjustments that are necessary for me to make it. I feel like I am disappointing people than I really care a lot about. I want to make sure that I make them proud but I feel like I am drowning in disapproval. I can't believe that I have made so many mistakes. I have really made an effort to do well but I still feel like I am failing my superiors. How do you tell the person that I want to impress that I am depressed that I can not make her happy? Its a really fine line that I wish I had the answers to. I want to be a professionally, successful business woman but it has really been hard. My feelings aren't hurt but I don't want people to give up on me because I am a friend or because they feel sorry for me or they feel as if I am not good enough. My shortcomings have made me into a person that I am not happy with.  The more that I come to realization that I am unsuccessful, the more I feel weak and useless. How do you tell someone who can see all the potential and ability in you that you are starting to doubt yourself? How do you deal with the fact that no matter how much you want them to see you as a successful person, you are still can't see yourself but as a cancer patient and a failure? I want so desperately to be the best, however I haven't been able to see past all the things that I can't be. Well I know that we all have those feelings but I have really don't know why it seems to make me feel so DEPRESSED!! I have been depressed lately, which has made me a horrible person to be around.

Pictrues of my Wonderful T-shirts

My equation for a great chemo experience

The rest of the equation

"My doctor told me to make a list of things I want to accomplish..."

"My To Do List: Beat Cancer, Next: Take Over the world!!"

Thank you so much Cecil for taking the time to make these t-shirts for me!!

Feels like it's a dream

This morning felt like it was all a dream. I had no back pain at all!! I haven't been wearing my patches because it's way too hot for them to stick. I woke up to go to my zomata treatment at the hospital, which I did some work on my stat project. Two and a half hours later, I was helping my advisor with lunch. Until about 12:45pm I hadn't felt a single thing. Then on a single lift of a cardboard box off of the floor, shot a sharp stabbing pain all over my back. It made it extremely hard to stand. I smiled in pain as I finished my duties. After being given a break. I rushed to my pills in my office. Even with all the pain, I remained in my office until about 4:15pm. I ran over to see my other advisor before I ran to my appointment with my Dr. G. All of the hugs and the smiles were covering the fact that I was still in pain. I'm amazed at my ability to continue hour after hour after hour of pain. I'm surprised I didn't go into a pain coma.

Anyway, I got these amazing shirts from my friend Cecil (pictures coming soon) and I found out where Dr. Hugs a lot ran away to from her lovely office. I plan to follow her....to BOSTON I go!! I'll see you all the next time I'm in the state. Haha jk... She moved to a center here in Lafayette, so it's not that bad. I don't have to get use to someone new. Also, I got a cell phone number from my "fearful" neurosurgeon ;-) Ooooo yea baby!! Made my day!!

Long hard day has made a world of difference for me and I'm so grateful for it all. Even the hard stuff. I still know how to work hard. I feel like myself again. ^_^ Next step, trying to figure out of going to Miami will help me make a better lifetime goal as a statistician. Any suggestions?

Who you are...

After having a REALLY REALLY BAD few days!! I heard this song by Jessie J called "Who You Are," which changed my attitude. There are a couple of lines in the song where she says:

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing

Its okay not to be okay

Sometimes its hard to follow your heart

Tears don't mean you're losing

Everyone's bruising

Just be true to who you are

As I listened to each word in that song, I realized it's okay to be a little down sometimes and that I have a pretty rough life. But even as rough as it is, its still not that bad. It could be a lot worse. I could be masking my pain in order to be "strong" or "normal" and never learn from the things that hurt me. I'm stronger than I realize, even on my worse day... I'm much more stronger than most. And with those odds I'm pretty damn lucky to be who I am. I really don't give a crap what anyone else may think about my tears or my question in who I am because I'm changing with every step, with every new day, and with every no I receive. My tears make me stronger than you will never know. I don't really care what anyone says about me and my "insecurities" I'm better than I was yesterday because I'm able to say "I'm wrong" or "I'm sorry" or"You're right! I'll work on it".... I can't say that about most. :-)

So I'm gonna continue to cry and curse and yell when I don't understand!! I'm stronger when I wipe my eyes to see another day!!

I can't breathe..

As the world moves forward and the things change in my life, I can't breathe from the amount of anxiety that is mounting inside of me. I try my best to remain calm and remain happy but honestly, I can't breathe at all from the pressure. I feel like there is nothing I can do to get out. The walls are closing on me and I can't see a window. I want to be normal and I feel like I'm stuck. I still have really bad days with the pain in my back and I still get really tired. I don't know if it's me or just that I'm not allowing myself to move. I want to make these big decisions but I shut down and get overwhelmed with the next step! I feel like a failure... I really don't know what to do. I really don't. I want to be a strong person but honestly, it's hard when you feel alone without anyone to talk to that will understand. I've been asking God what I need to do next. He shows me the beauty in everyday but I don't seem what I can do to move forward. I really hope that people don't think I'm weak for this post but honestly, I'm scared, nervous, anxious, lost, and I need advice. I want to be amazing but honestly I don't feel amazing right now...

A gift for my doctors

After Relay for Life, I really wanted to do something nice for Dr. G. Then I soon found out that my oncologist Dr. "Hugs A Lot" is leaving! This really sucks and I wanted to let them both know how much I cared about them. So I went to All Fired Up to make them some cancer ribbons. I really hope that they like them because I'm so not creative at all.

I really tried... HAHA I know not THE best work

A nice week with my family

So my brother came into town and we hard a great time. We shopped in Indianapolis when he landed then we had fun here in Lafayette. He had a chance to meet a lot of people and he also got a chance to see what his life would be like here in Lafayette. I really hope he liked it. If not I hope it at least got him to think about going to Grad School soon. He doesn't know this but I'm more than willing to help him with his application fees. I plan to start tutoring statistics students this fall to help. We also had the chance to go to Chicago to visit Michigan Ave and the taste of Chicago. It was great to be in a the city. We ate like 3 different types of pizza, I hope my bro liked it. We made our way to the south suburbs to visit my dad and his family. My dad's face lit up with great joy to see all his children together at once. My sister was joyful just as much as my dad. It was fantastic to see how everyone got along for the day. It got even better when my sister asked my big little bro if he would come to her party tomorrow. My youngest bro looks in anxious happiness, my bro says yes. As we got up the following morning, the house filled with childish laughter and screams for the upcoming events. My brother and I went to the odyssey fun world to meet up with the family. It was amazing to see my youngest bro run around with my younger bro as they ran around playing basketball. As we left the Bradford household to visit my Aunt Jai, my youngest bro puts this big smile on his face and his arms open to give my younger bro a hug. It was a great visit. We all had a great time, if I can say so myself.

It was a great weekend for me, my bro and I stopped by to visit my uncle's grave site. As we walked past Odis and paid our respects, we walked to my uncle's grave. It was a nice moment of unspoken understanding between the three of us. I knew uncle David was there and I know we were all wishing we could be eating with the entire family at Momma Ressa's house. Where he and James were up at the crack of dawn to start cooking meat all day. I miss the usual July 4th weekend. I miss him so much but I feel him with me everyday. I know he will be with my in the audience in December when I get my masters degree. :-)

Best July 4th weekend for me in about 2 years! I'm a pretty lucky girl eventhough I'm broke from all the festivities, I'm grateful for those moments. Only thing that would've made it better was to see Sunshine mom, Theretha and her family, the Dubois clan, and last but not least the 3 Miami Bradfords.

Last Day of Sarcoma Awareness Month

It was a great June 30th!! You all took the time out to send me a picture of your yellow for Sarcoma Awareness Month!! I really appreciate you all taking the time out for doing this. If you have any questions about my treatment and my condition please feel free to let me know. I will also continue to post as much as possible. SO here are the pictures!! Please enjoy!!

Momma Ressa and her co-worker at work in their yellow

Mr. Pat in his milkman shirt

Mr. Pat's nice yellow air force ones... I think my converses will look better ;-)

My yellow at the batting cage

My bro in his "kinda" yellow at the batting cage

Mr. Collins as he goes to his corporate job in his yellow

My celebratory cupcakes for the last day

Ainee, Amber, and I at the midnight show of Transformers in our yellow

The lovely April in her yellow.

Ms. Diane in her yellow and green looking great!!

THANK YOU ALL FOR TAKING THE TIME THIS MONTH FOR SARCOMA AWARENESS!! I REALLY APPRECIATE IT!! I LOVE YOU ALL!!

The darling dentist

After my tooth chipped I asked Mom #2 to help with finding a place to get my tooth fixed. She referred me to the darling dentist in the back of the woods. The dentist was nice caring with a smile of gold. She came to help me with her delicate hands to help fix my tooth. She made me feel at ease the entire time. As she finished fixing my tooth, she turns to me with her beautiful white smile to say free of charge. My heart opened with pure joy. I asked to get my teeth clean because I really needed them clean and I wanted to pay for something. As my appointment came alone for my cleaning, she walks up again to tell me how much she admired me and that the cleaning was also free of charge. I started crying in the middle of the waiting room. I really didn't know what to do or say at the time. I'm so grateful for EVERYTHING that she has done for me along with her team. I'm truly blessed to have people in my life who can help me. I can't say thank you enough for everything that I've gotten due to this disease. I hope when I have the chance to do something for someone else I will pass it forward. I can give my all to someone and I see that others are willing to do the same for me.

Tomorrow I will put up the pictures of all the sarcoma awareness final day!! Thank you so much for all your help and participation. Love you all!!

ATTENTION LAST DAY of sarcoma awareness month

PLEASE PLEASE wear yellow tomorrow for sarcoma awareness month!! Take pictures and send them to me!! I want to make the last post of yellow an amazing one :-)

Thank you all!! I love you all so much for taking the time during the month to promote awareness and by wearing yellow!!

Small things that make big differences

I'm so excited that my oldest younger brother is here in the Midwest! I hope to give him a much needed break from his everyday life. I would also like to help him see how great it would be for him to move up here to get his M.S. in Engineering. It would be a great look for him.

Although the added benefits with him being here, I can only smile and look at how much just having him here makes my days better. He makes me laugh and at the small bit of just giving me great advice face to face. It really makes my days better and easier here already. HAHA I know I know I'm being a bit selfish. Anyway, I hope to get him all the pizza he wants this week and I hope I get a chance to visit the taste of Chicago and do a little shopping. ;-)

A tribute to Odis Brown

I hope Momma Ressa is okay with me doing this but here it goes...

A VERY SPECIAL kind hearted, funny, giving man that brought joy and laughter into a room, even in his final days. This man is extremely special to someone who is very special to me. Her name is Ressa aka Momma Ressa and Odis Brown is the man who could light up her face with a single joke. Odis suffered from lung cancer which then metasized to his brain. Odis was diagnosed and only given 2 years to live. As he loved his life with a toe tag given by his doctor, he still made the best of EVERY SINGLE DAY!! With a smile here and a joke there. My favorite joke of his was when, Patrick, Momma Ressa, Odis and I were at Dixie Kitchen talking about CPR. Momma Ressa said that you can crack someones rib cage when performing CPR. I laughed in a nervous way like that's not true. Momma Ressa says to me, "It's true, I've done it before." In both shock and disbelief both Patrick and I said no u haven't. Odis looks at us both and says "have you seen her arms?", pointing at Momma Ressa. As she turns in shock she laughs and punches him, which he says see my arm is broken now. Haha!! It was great. Plus there was always the joke that when it was time to order food, that he couldn't afford to feed Patrick because he ate too much.

The jokes along with the stories of shooting snakes and being a markersman makes the memory of him so strong and fond in my mind. Quiet honestly, I'm not as funny as he was but I tried to show people the lighter side of my diagnosis. I wanted more people to laugh rather than cry. And some of that attitude came from him. Thank you so much Odis for the joy you brought to us all. I still eat hot sauce on everything ;-)

Miss ya!!

June is still sarcoma awareness month...

Everyone should be aware that June is Sarcoma Awareness Month!! Please remember to wear yellow and tell someone about sarcomas. Here is an interesting sarcoma:

Kaposi’s sarcoma (KS) is a systemic disease which can present with cutaneous lesions with or without internal involvement. Four subtypes have been described: Classic KS, affecting middle aged men of Mediterranean and Jewish descent, African endemic KS, KS in iatrogenically immunosuppressed patients, and AIDS-related KS. The erythematous to violaceous cutaneous lesions seen in KS have several morphologies: macular, patch, plaque, nodular, and exophytic.

Only 6% of homosexual men are aware that KS is caused by a virus different from HIV[2]. Thus, there is little community effort to prevent KSHV infection. Similarly, no systematic screening of organ donations is in place.

In AIDS patients, Kaposi's sarcoma is considered an opportunistic infection, a disease that is able to gain a foothold in the body because the immune system has been weakened. With the rise of HIV/AIDS in Africa, where KSHV is widespread, KS has become the most frequently reported cancer in some countries.
(information provided by Wikipedia)

Many people don't know about these sarcomas but I hope that you all learned something new about these sarcomas. Separated the word to those who will listen.

Please remember to wear yellow for people like me!!

Relay for life Walk

Hello All!! I'm so sorry for the late posting but I would like to let you all know that its a great thing that I haven't been posting!! I have been busy living a busy "normal" life like a normal graduate student. :-)

Anyway, here is what has happened in the past 24 hours. I went to the Lafayette/ Tippecanoe County Relay for Life survivor's walk. The walk is an annual celebration created by the American Cancer Society (ACS) for funding for cancer research and cancer patients. It happens all over the United States all year round!! The walk occurs for 12 hours straight from about 7pm-7am, where some people stay on the track the entire night but most people start a team and people walk in shifts. It is a great way to see that "cancer never sleeps." I use to do these walks when I was a student in high school for my grandma and my grandpa, then I started to do the walks here at Purdue to keep the tradition alive. So this year's participation was a little bittersweet because I did it for myself, my grandma, my grandpa, my dad, and my sunshine mom, Theretha. It is a great way to exercise for one day at least ;-)

So I started the walk looking for my oncology group, then I went on to realize that my neurosurgeon had pledged to run the entire night for me!! As his assistant walks up to me to tell me that he was there for me, I began to cry! It was all of tears of joy because he didn't know if I would be here or not. So as he rounded the curve, I give him this really big hug with tears in my eyes. He allowed me to hug him!! Believe it or not, he started to cry too!! It was a beautiful moment that I wouldn't change for the world!! My chemo mom was there in her lovely pink with her beautiful children. We walked around the track together for the survivor walk. She also bought me a tribute bag for those who have survived cancer. I also had the chance to see the beautiful smiling faces of my cancer care center employees. They were bright eyed and all smiles as we walked by as survivors. I felt so great to have them all there!!  It was a great time maybe the best time that I have had in a LONG TIME since I was diagnosed.

As the walk came to an end, I went over to the track again to walk with my neurosurgeon. We walk for about 2 miles and we talked about everything!! It was great! I had a chance to get to know him a lot better. I can honestly say that I have a friend in him now. :-) *cue Toy Story theme song*

I THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING OUT TO THE WALK and if you would like to help someone like me or would like to do something nice that only involves you walking. PLEASE, PLEASE do Relay for Life in your local town!!

Chemo mom looking FABULOUS in her pink!! (Some of the kids thought she was a clown)

Chemo mom and I looking good in our survivor

The beginning of the survivor walk

The banners that led the walkers

I'm right behind the banner waving ;-)

Still waiting to start... the host was a little long winded

Chemo mom and I walking together

A better picture

Chemo mom's actual daughter, chemo mom and I as we finish our first lap.

My tribute bag from my chemo mom (THANK YOU!!)

My bag from ACS... although it says In loving memory to David Bruton next to mine, I thought of my uncle being there with me. Right next to me. :-)

My neurosurgeon's assistant and I as I cry from the news

Chemo mom's tribute bag

My AMAZING cancer care team!!

My neurosurgeon as he walks the curves (He's the guy in blue)

It was a guy dressed up to make money for cancer... But he was wearing my cancer color

The best guy in the world, Dr. G and I as he took a quick break

A local sarcoma survivor (7 years) and I

AS ALWAYS remember to support those who need help in research like cancer. We really, really appreciate it!!

Pictures for Sarcoma Month

Momma Ressa in her Aruba t-shirt!! I wanna go next time ;-)

Momma Ressa and her co-workers in yellow. I REALLY appreciate their participation

The yellow flowers in Momma Ressa's garden... I think my grandma would approve

More flowers from the garden... I wanna tomato this year :)

Mom #2 and me with our yellow flowers

I like this one a lot plus my little bro is in yellow and my little sis is wearing her livestrong band

LIKE ALWAYS.... WE ALL LOOK AMAZING IN YELLOW AND IT WILL BE GREAT TO GET AS MANY YELLOW PICTURES AS POSSIBLE THIS MONTH!!

Purdue Cancer Support Group...

Good news people... I'm really excited that I had a chance to sit down with a let's say... A big wig at Purdue who makes a lot of decisions with fundraising. She made a lot of effort to look into making a great strides to starting a group for young survivors here at Purdue. Many don't know but the amount of young adults with cancer has increased in the last few years, if we can get some sort of funding to start a group with scholarships and grants for those in either remission or those in the middle of treatment. We will also make great strides to form a support and safe haven for those who have questions about their friends, family, and education. I'm really excited to start this group at Purdue. I hope to encourage those who are afraid to talk about their disease will talk about it. I really hope to make a difference on campus. For those of you who would like to support us it would be great!! We need fundraising ideas and bodies to help do physical labor and get the word out. For those who know someone who was diagnosed at a young age and would like to get involved please feel free to have them contact me!!

I'm so elated to make someone's life a little easier. Making the world a better place one person at a time. I may have just found my calling. Thank you so much God for these abilities.

Always remember to wear YELLOW and support the sarcoma awareness month. Send your pictures of yellow attire my wonderful readers!! :-)

A few more pictures for sarcoma month...

Miss Brittany look extra yellow!! Miss ya girl

Mr. Lance pants in his yellow kid & play shirt... love it!!

Mr. Pat in his Lakers shirt!! So glad he took the time to take a pic twice this month

Ms. Ainee in her Sugar daddy shirt. I hope you find him ;-)

My beach look... in the middle of gordmans...

Ms. Jackso31 in her yellow!! Thanks much honey...

PLEASE continue to send the pictures to me with your yellow on!! It really means a lot to me. :-) With all my love.... D. Renee

Happy Father's Day!!!

Today has been a great day!! I went out to the suburbs of Chicago where my father lives to spend the day with my family. We started the day with breakfast, we had waffles and bacon, which my brother, Evan, will only eat. My sister and I spent the entire day locked at the hip. Wherever I went she went too. My brother is getting really big and is... how do you say a "typical boy." He finds ways to hit and torment my sister with all his being on his earth. Its kinda of funny because it looks like what me and my older younger brother were like at that age. Anyway, we rode bikes, we went to the store, we took a nap, we ate dinner and we had a great time in general. I'm really glad that I went. For those of you that don't know, I haven't seen my sister and brother since November because of the chemo. So this was a triumphant day for me to say the least. Here are a few pictures from the day. Special shout out to my friend Patrick... The sang the SpongeBob Square Pants Theme Song for a good 5 minutes when I mentioned your name. Had also, Evan asked for you a couple of times.

Happy Birthday Jeri Diann!!

It was a fashion show

Bottle/ nap time

Speed racer on his spiderman bike

Lil Sis riding the bike without training wheels now!!

The kids on couch...

My little bro rapping the Despicable Me theme song