Bad days like these....

I can honestly say that I wish that I could get over this "sick" feeling but it just keeps coming back to me. Yesterday, I had to do so much work for my classes that I pushed myself every minute. When I woke up yesterday, I knew that I would be a bad day but I was determined to be like everyone else. I walked into my class at 1:30pm and I realized that I would up chuck any time soon. I continued to keep my mind off of the pain in my side and my back but I knew the rest of the day would be bad.  I have a 20 minute worrying bell before I have to throw up, so I knew that I had to talk to my professor in my next class. I waited until she got there, when she got there I realized that I only had about 5 minutes (My face was red and sweating). I call Dr z to make sure she was in the office because I knew that I was NOT GOING TO MAKE another minute without feeling sick. I ran to the bathroom on the 9th floor and just like I thought, it all came out.

The hardest part is that I get so upset with the fact that I am sick. I just want to be somewhat the same way I use to be. The problem is I push myself way too hard to be somewhat "normal." I am so grateful for the people who know that I have no limit for myself because they jumped in without missing a single beat.

Today, I still have the pain in my side and I am extremely exhausted. However, I did finish my homework last night and I finished the assignments that are due tomorrow. I went to class this morning also. I work so hard some times that I don't realize that I have pushed way too far. But I would rather push too hard than not push at all.

"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever" - Lance Armstrong

The day before cancer camp...

I had a pretty rough day yesterday. My lunch didn't stay down and I was extremely exhausted. However this week is dead week before finals week, so I have been pushing myself a little far.

With that being said, I will be at cancer camp tomorrow!! It sounds really nerdy but I'm really excited on going. I look forward to seeing and interacting with people like me. I hope to meet someone my age or someone who was my age when they were first diagnosed.

I plan to keep you updated with all the details and such. :-)

A few of my favorite things....(Part one)

I decided to do this blog to explain the things that I LOVED during my treatment. So many people have different types of cravings but I feel like mine were a little abnormal, but here we go.

My Favorite foods:

• Pizza (just a slice of cheese please)
• Cinnamon buns
• Panda Express Chow Mein
• Watermelon
• Spaghetti Os
• Banana Popsicles
• Steak 
• Potatoes, Potatoes, and Potatoes (Mashed, diced, whole, baked, uncooked, smashed, brown, white, red)... And Please believe me when I say that I had them EVERY way but fried.

My Favorite T.V. shows:

• House
• Ellen (Favorite Hospital show for chemo treatments)
• The Real Housewives of  Atlanta
• The Real Housewives of Orange County
• The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
• The Real Housewives of New York
• The Real Housewives of Miami....(Ok every one but D.C. that one didn't come on)
• Any food network channel show that incorporated traveling (I figured if I couldn't eat everything I wanted, then I would AT LEAST watch it)
• Anything reality based (I figure I laugh at other people's lives since I had to watch something lol)
• Oh and on REALLY REALLY bad days I watched the TV guide channel and thought about all the TV shows I wanted to watch (HAHA I didn't have any energy to change the channel)

My Favorite Medical people

• Anna (The nurse with the big ol' butt)
• Jason (My first male nurse)
• Dr. Chino (the cool, laid back radiologist)
• Collen (the older nurse with the new iPhone that she never knew how to use)
• Shubash (the male Indian nurse who hummed every time he tapped my port)
• Ricci (the nurse that forgot to undo my clapped medical equipment)
• Deanna (the nurse who wanted to play Uno with the group one night)
• Kara (the chemo nurse at the cancer care center who loves seeing me every visit)
• Lori (the OU color wearing scrubs lady at the cancer care center)
• Katherine (the young nursing assistant that wear really crazy hair styles)
• Stacy (the nurse that I yelled at about my Popsicle after surgery)
• The first nurse that I had with the blind husband that made my bracelet (I'm sorry I forgot her name)
• Dr. Hugs a lot
• The "evil" neurosurgeon
• Dr. Shorty (sarcoma specialist) 
• Many others that have helped me during this time

Have you ever had a blood transfusion?

Is one of the questions that they ask you as you give blood. Which I use to do every year for my birthday since I was 18. However, now I am not able to give blood for a few years if not ever again my life. Well I guess I will be giving blood for other reasons but not for helping someone else.

I would've never had guess what a blood transfusion is until I was faced with my first one on December 22, 2010. I was told that if I wanted to go home to visit my family during the holiday season, I would need a blood transfusion for more platelets so that I would be able to endure a car ride and a weekend visit with my family. As I agreed to do so in order to visit my family in Atlanta, little did I know that I wasn't going to be able to go home at all due to weather.

The second transfusion came out of left field the weekend of a planned annual event for an organization I was chair for. I wasn't too happy with being back in the hospital that week so I gave the nursing staff a hard time. I just didn't want to be back there for the third time that week. It wasn't a nagging hard time but more like a playful hard time. This time my hemoglobin was too low, that's why I was constantly tired. Lol who knew?!

A blood transfusion is basically an IV dripped blood distribution. You don't get all the blood in your body pumped out and then pumped back in, which I thought. It's just a 6 to 7 hour event that takes place in the hospital outpatient department. It's not fun but if you need platelets in order to save your life then this is how it's done.

Why me?! This isn't fair!!

As a cancer fighter, I have thought to myself that why couldn't this have happened to someone else?! Why am I the one with cancer?! Did God make a mistake?! It's just not fair!! I soon found out that I'm not a victim but I am a victor.

A wise woman told me this weekend:
When you go out to the flower garden what type of flowers do you pick? Do you pick the die, broken or bruised flowers? Or do you pick the pretty beautiful flowers? We all pick the pretty flowers. Since that is the case, why can't God do the same thing? God picks the beautiful flowers to be chosen for his tests.

With tears in my eyes along with my heart and mind completely opened I realized that I've been chosen to complete a task that God has chosen for me. He loves me enough to make me a picked flower in His garden of beautiful flowers.

So instead of being unhappy and angry, I will choose to be a student in the class of God's University of life. I will continue to endure the tests of my Lord and savior, so that I can so give a testimony.

We are all flowers!! Just wait for your time to be picked. :-)

Easter weekend...

Happy Easter to all my wonderful followers!!

I would like to say that this has been a holiday weekend to remember. On Friday afternoon before heading up north to Chicago to visit my second home. I had a wonderful coffee date with 2 great people whom I can now call great friends. It was a great time of conversation and great laughs. As I departed from Lafayette to take my drive home, I realized I have gain some independence back. I went a whole hour and 15 minutes driving alone in the car. I know something so small but it has truly made me understand how grateful I am for the little things in my life. I met my friend in halfway where we went to red robin for dinner and we talked about the past few weeks. It was a really nice dinner and great conversation, which lead to me making my true feelings and emotions known to how appreciative I am to him. Which he solved the solution with a slurpee!! Great way to change the subject and the mood. We then went to his house, where I got the chance to talk to his mother about everything. We talked for hours about things that have happened in my life recently.

As for Saturday, we went to have sushi for lunch but I'm still having a hard time with consumption of food. I don't know if it is the after parts of chemo or it is my body back in it's mode of not consuming calories that I'm not exerting but I'm not eating very much. I found out that my stomach does not like chocolate anymore either. My friend and I played video games!! Yea I know I'm not the best but playing sonic was funny for me.

Either way, I'm glad that I could be in great company. I'm so grateful for my extend families that I have. They have really embraced me and made me feel like a member of each of their families. I'm so extremely grateful.

Now I have to figure out which house I would like to have dinner at this evening. Thats not a bad thing at all. :-) Thank you all for this weekend!! I love you :-)

My pursuit of happiness....

Like I've said once before, having cancer should place me in a group of people that can complain and look for the sympathy card where ever I go. But quite honestly, I would like to say that it is complete opposite. I have been given a chance to see how powerful and how amazing God truly is for His children. He has given me the chance to see what he truly has in store for everyone when they give Him the keys to your journey here on earth.

I would like to say that I have found the joy in the little things in life. I have been given the ability to appreciate every single day and the small lights that they bring to us. For example, I walked into the Cancer Care center here in town to pick up a script, I was at least a generation younger than everyone in the room. As eyes locked on to me with pure shock and confusion, I smiled and spoke to everyone in the room. As the women shook their heads and the men just stared, I sat there excited to be in a room full of small minded individuals. I am concerned a "kiddo", a "young one", or every time they see my birthday it puts them into shock.

I honestly, I think about the children down in Indianapolis at St. Jude's hospital who haven't even had the chance to do everything that I have. The children who have never been to Disney World or even been on a plane in their lives. Those are the cancer patients that I feel sorry for some times but then I realize that God has a plan in every one's life and He has a great plan for those children. So I wish that some people would see it that way versus the "horrible disease" that cancer is.

I can't express how HAPPY I am to have this disease at 25 years old, I have had the chance to see how much so many wonderful people care about me. I have had the chance to see how strong and capable I am. I have had the chance to see how completely amazing and beautiful I am when I am completely unable to walk, stand or eat. I have an amazing personality that is so kind, caring, giving, compassionate, and heartfelt that I don't have to change who I am but understand who other people are. I am extremely happy with everyday that comes my way and I feel as if those who don't understand it need to find a better way of thinking because there is NOTHING wrong with me.

All that I ask those who read my blog to do is NEVER fall  victim to your circumstances, everything that you do when things get hard/ rough will show everyone how incredibly beautiful you are. Work on what people can't change, your soul and your spirit.

With All My Love and Respect

Dr. "Hugs a lot"... stories of my local oncologist

So I may be a little bias but I think I have the best oncologist in town. She is AMAZING!! She has an infectious smile and a heart of gold that one would not expect from a doctor. The first time I met her was my first admittance into the hospital. She walks in after my second biopsy and introduces herself. She made the whole room feel a little better as she walked away on a Saturday morning (I know... doctors work on the weekends?! I didn't know that either). As I took my first steps into her office with my entourage of people on September 24th, there was still a soft, caring, gentle, kind doctor who really cared. As we left after receiving the news, she looks to me and asks for a hug. Now mind you, I HATE being touched especially by people I don't know. But for some reason I opened my arms to her.

As the meeting with her became more frequent, as she made more and more schedule trips to the hospital, I can honestly say that I really did not want to visit her anymore. However, if it were not for her admitting me into the hospital for the MRI, I may have lost the use of my legs. So I have to say that she is REALLY GOOD at her job. Even as she put me into the hospital the second time she came to see me, in which I received these amazing earrings from her. They are green and look like elephants. As she walks out of the room, she gives me another hug, in which she proclaims to me "see you soon".

As the months went on and the chemo treatments continued, so did my visits to her office. I love her staff and they seem to care a lot about me. Unfortunately, due to the fact that I had to receive my treatments at the hospital, I didn't have the moments of being with other cancer patients, so when I saw another patient, I talked to them. So when I went to Dr. "Hugs a lot" office, I made sure that I spoke to everyone just so that I could maybe receive some in-site about chemo treatments.

Dr. "Hugs a lot" is truly amazing and she has really made me feel like an important patient. She really takes the time out to listen to me and what I have to say and my needs. She and I had a chance to talk to one another in an intimate setting where she made sure to listen to all of my emotionally charged issues. I am really lucky to have her in my life even under these sort of circumstances.

October's gift of a lifetime

October 8th: Was the last day of radiation on my back!! It was the best day ever for me, I went out and bought myself colorful daisies. I was extremely excited to have those days behind me.

October 16th: My port was placed on the right side of my chest. This was the worse day for the nurses to find a vein in my arm. It took them 4 sticks before they finally got one to stay. It happened to be homecoming weekend. Due to the fact that I had an outpatient surgery that day, I was not allowed to drink. But I really wanted to go out. So I went out and had a great time sober. (Thanks to friends who didn't pressure me)

October 26th: I made breakfast muffins for my buddies in my probability class. I was so excited to get to campus. However, my legs decided to give out on me. My legs collapsed as I stepped onto the bus. I soon realized that things were too good. I texted dr d the news, in which she told me to call dr n. I was scheduled for an appointment the next day.

October 25th: My appointment with dr n went south very quickly. The strength in my legs had decreased and due to that result, I needed to be admitted into the hospital that night. I cried for about 5 minutes because I didn't wanna go back into the hospital. As dr d tries to get dr n to admit me the following Monday, I sat there in shock. Dr n told dr d that I needed to be in the hospital by 9pm that night. So we ate dinner and packed my bags for the hospital. Thats when I met my first MALE NURSE!! It was AWESOME! He took a long time to "tal" my port, in which I called him a port virgin (LOL). I was at St. Elizabeth central because I was suppose to getting chemo treatments that following day after my MRI.

October 27th: I woke up to a really nice nurse who told me that it was time for my MRI. I was pushed down to get a scan of my back. Little to my surprise did I think I would see my neurosurgeon that day. He walks in to say that he absolutely had to do major surgery on my spine today. It was noon. I was in the middle of decideing if I wanted soup and salad for lunch or Chik-fi-la. As I sat there shocked, I asked if k could talk to my mom first. He said yes but surgery would take place today. I called my mom who told me to get the surgery. I had to be moved from St. Elizabeth Central to St. Elizabeth East in order to get surgery. I was moved within the next hour and placed in a room in ICU. As 6 different nurses worked on placing EKG machines on me, hooking me up to an IV and asking me questions about my weight and allergies, Dr. Brown walks in, the anesthesiologist. As Dr. Brown asks about my medications, a nurse takes the opportunity to pump me full of morphine. (HAHA morphine is EXTEREMELY powerful). I was then rolled away into surgery where I talked to all my nurses there. When I woke up...
1. I didn't know where I was.
2. I was uncomfortable beyond belief.
3. I was extremely hungry
4. I didn't know who was there.
I got to my room where I knew dr d, dr e, Theretha, amber, Cecil, Ange, and NY dad were there. All I could think about was how hungry I was and how uncomfortable my back was. The nurse asked me what she could do to help me relax and all I could think of was feed me. So she told me all I could eat was Popsicles. So I asked what flavors. She said orange, grape, and red. I said to her red is a color. What is the flavor. (Apparently, I said it in an aggressive tone). Soon after that, they moved all my loved ones out of the room. All I could do was freak out. I was scared because I didn't know what to do. Everyone was gone.

At the end of it all, I soon realized that my neurosurgeon had taken out a racket ball size chunk out of my back and that he had to place 2 titanium togs along my spine and wires on mt vertabrea. It was one of those days that you could've never prepared for but had to be a champ in the long run.

October 28th- November 1st: I spent tin the hospital. With some really great friends who spent the night and brought games to play. I had a special friend stay in the hospital with me the entire time. He didn't leave not one time. (Much respect and love for doing that).

Let's go to the place where everybody knows your name!

St. Elizabeth East and St. Elizabeth Central hospitals know me VERY well. I walk into St. Elizabeth East like a superstar (haha). I walk in through the north enterance and speak to the check-in desk clerk who says "Good Morning Denise." I walk pass the registration sitting area to the outpatient desk. As I wait, I catch up with the staff there since they don't ask my name anymore. Once I get escorted to my room, I walk pass the nurse's station, in which I know each and everyone of them because they have worked on me once before.

As I walk into the hospital at St. Elizabeth Central, I know where to part and where the nurse's station is on the 2nd floor. I walk to the station where I talk to the staff for a few minutes, while they get my room together. Once in a room, I have an oncology nurse give to me, however each nurse that has worked with me comes into the room to say "hello" and to see how I am doing.

Not the best way to be a superstar but hey I like being a local hospital celebrity (LOL). It could be worse, they could all hate to see me walking into the building.

"Time to tap your port"....

Many cancer patients that have to undergo chemotherapy have a port place in their chest. A port is an access stop that is under the skin and connected to a catheter that is connected to a major vein in your neck. So the port is used instead of an arm placement to remove blood and do IV drips.

Anyone that has a port understands how horrible they are. Anyone that tells you it doesn't hurt is lying!! Every time they "tap" your port it feels like they are pushing through your skin... It hurts when they do it right, just imagine when they do it wrong?! It's just like someone not bring able to find your vein on your arm except it's a longer needle and more pressure.

Today, I had to get my Zomata treatment and my blood drawn. Nothing extremely worrisome, I do this every month, since September. But no matter how many times they "tap" my port, it still hurts.

For me, my port is a huge eye sore because it is very discolored from the many times it's been tapped. The catheter sticks out on my neck which is hard to explain when someone asks. But hey it's what my chemo mom and I say is collateral damage without it I may not be here.

The battle of relationships...

At the beginning of my treatment, I was DETERMINED to remain normal in my personal life as possible. Little did I know that my determination to remain normal would bit me in the butt as soon as things got bad. For much of my days battling cancer, I took a really humorous point of view. I felt that if I could get people to smile rather than cry about this situation, it would be easier to handle. There were a few that jumped on that wagon really early and remained intune with this coping technique. However, I wasn't prepared for those who could not separate the two. Although I smiled about it, it did not mean that things weren't hard. I had a few friends take out whatever emotion that was going on in their lives on me. I soon realized that I was the friend that gave more in the relationships than not. So when things started to get rough on me, those friends that needed me to be there for them soon made me feel like a bad friend. For about a month, I was extremely sick and was unable to attend school regularly and I spent majority of my days with the tv and my bed.

I would receive text messages that asked how I was feeling and for many of those text messages I would respond that I was doing "ok". However I was extremely exhausted and in physical pain. Many people in the world when they hear someone has a fatal disease they want to hear that you are doing well. But I did what I thought was the right thing to do. To "protect" people from my disease. I could have NEVER imagined that it would back fire on me.

I had friends tell me that they cared about me who had keys to my apartment and wouldn't stop by to check up on me. I had friends tell me o was being a bad friend because I didn't tell then I had treatment. I had friends yell at me beached I didn't respond back to their dinner invites and movie invites. I had friends tell me I was a bad text message friend because I didn't respond fast enough.

So for those of you that need an explanation on the situation, here you go. As days went on in my battle with cancer, I could hardly move or speak. There were many days that I spent more than 12 hours lying in my bed. I also spent more time with the tv then any of you. The days when you texted me to ask for dinner plans, if I said to you "I don't know" or if I said " I would have to see" that meant that I wasn't feeling well and couldn't get past the door to my room. I really feel let down by a great few of my friends but I have also gained a great deal of friends who are really special to me. I thank those of you that took the time to "forcefully" make their ways to seeing me when I didn't respond. I thank those of you that asked others how I was doing when I felt overwhelmed. I thank those of you that hung in there when all I wanted to do was cry and whine in my room.

But with all of the mean things that were said and done to me, I still say thank to those who didn't change during this experience. You have really thought me a lit about the human race. Thank you for being who you are and thank you for teaching me a lesson.

September 24th, 2010 (My day of delight)

On this day, I was asked to visit my local oncologist' office, Dr. N. As I woke up that morning, I was in a great mood with my family here in town. My mother and my aunt stayed at a hotel the night before, my brother and my dad stayed at my apartment the night before. As we all make our way to the doctor's office there was a really aware tension that was underlined in everyone. We met mom #2 and #3 at the office, which I'm more than sure Dr. N's office had NEVER seen an entourage like that walk in (I love all the members of Team Denise).

As we sit in the examining room waiting on Dr. N to walk in, the awkward tension began to mount.  Dr. N walks in to a room of 7 people with eyes of hope and a little distress. We introduce ourselves as my aunt walks out the room to wait in the waiting room. She sits down to talk to everyone in which she starts with:

We were about to declare the type of tumor that you have from the biopsy. You have a malignant tumor in both your liver and your spine. They are of the same origin, which the pathology report states that it is a soft tissue cancer more specifically a hermanigosarcoma. Due to the fact that this tumor has metastasized, it is safe to say that you have an advance stage of this cancer. The cancer is rare and not very many individuals have this your age. I have only seen 1 case like this before in my career as an oncologist and the patient was twice your age, who had a form of cancer before. I would like for you to visit the local sarcoma specialist down in Indianapolis so that we can make some final decisions on what to do as far as chemotherapy. 

As I sat there in shock, I looked at everyone else in the room. I sat there with a really big smile and a calm demeanor, as my dad and my brother both hung their heads in disbelief along with the women in the room looking at me with soft, tear-filled eyes with open hearts. I said to Dr. N as she asked me if I had any questions: "The only question that I have, will this help my back from hurting?" She replies, "yes it should." As the others asked questions about clincial trials, about whether or not she had a survival chart, I sat there in complete shock and mostly denial on the inside but I was determined to remain calm and smile on the outside. For some reason I knew that God had a huge hand in this and I really didn't need to worry about this right now and what the future had in store for me. As we all walked out, I was instructed to receive a Zomata treatment, which is an IV drip treatment to reinforce my bones since the tumor was attacking my spinal cord and broken 2 vertebrae. My family was asked to sit in the waiting room while I received treatment, in which I know words were exchanged.  At that moment, I was happy to be alone because I couldn't dare to see everyone's reaction to this at the moment.

After the doctor's visit my family went for a late breakfast at XXX diner, a local college town "whole in the wall" with great food. It made everyone feel a lot better.

Just A Few Photos

                                                   My "Security" Slippers

                                           My Mental Rods inside my back
                                               

                                             My "zipper" with 34 staples

My "zipper" after the staples were removed

My Christmas Chemo Outfit

The first hair loss picture

                                       

A weekend to remember....

Good Very Late Evening to all my followers!!

I am really sorry for the late blog post but I actually left the house for more than just a few hours!! This hasn't happened since maybe early December. I haven't felt sick, or too exhausted to walk, or even much pain in my back. Ooooo I'm SO excited!! :-D. One more step closer to normality.

So on Friday night I went to the movies with a group of friends. Granted I didn't really want to see Scream 4 but I wanted to feel like a 25 year old again, so I went. The movie wasn't that great but the group of people that went were AWESOME. We laughed though the entire movie.

Today, I went out to lunch with my sunshine mom, Mr. Sunshine (Lee) and my "Mexican" buddy. We had a great time at Spageddies. We talked about life and laughed about little life experiences. After lunch, my friend with the lovely dimples called to see if I want to have dinner. (My schedule is filling up... LOL jk) We went to Bluefin Bistro with dimples and her sorority sister. I had my first beer in 2011, it was a Strong bow (which I highly recommend). It was nice to be in good company with nice people. Guess what everyone..... I HAD SUSHI too!! I didn't eat the whole roll but I did eat most of it. I'm really feeling a lot better. Thank God!!

Watch out Dr. N and Dr. R, but I'm going all out on this "chemo holiday."

The Chemical Bomb a.k.a. the chemo toxin

So I've been avoiding this blog but it should be done. I need to talk about my chemotherapy regimen for educational purposes. So the sarcoma specialist says to me, "we have a game plan for you and I know which drugs I would like to give you."

The original combination was:
*Crisplatinum
*Adriamycin
*Avastin
(This was before the surgery but after radiation)

Nov. 8th: My first treatment after radiation and back surgery, but due to the fact that I had a surgery between radiation and the start of chemo treatments, I was not allowed to have the Avastin drug. Advastin suppresses the body's ability to clot. So I had to wait 8-9 weeks before receiving that drug. Also, the drug Crisplatinum kills the kidneys so they wanted me to sit for 3 days to take the drug with 2 liters of fluids before. The Adriamycin is a red color, which makes your urine orange for a couple of hours. After each treatment you are given an immune boasting shot about 24-48 hours after.

Nov. 29th: My second treatment, due to the fact that the Crisplatinum made my ears ring I was changed to it's "sister" drug Carboplatinum, so that I wouldn't lose my hearing. The treatment days were changed too. I only had to visit the hospital once a week.

Jan 11th: My four treatment, it was the first day for the Avastin drug. Little did I know that EVERYTHING would change after this new drug. The Avastin is given on the 1st day and the 8th day, which meant that I had to go back to the hospital the next week.

Feb 22nd: My last treatment!! This made the most impact on my body. Chemo drug build in your body and little did I know that this treatment would take me from a little tired to unable to move or eat. I had to take 2 weeks off of classes because I was unable to put on clothes or sit up long enough.

On a personal side:
For the latter part of 2010, I was unable to travel very far from my doctors. I was unable to go home for Thanksgiving. However I had the chance to visit my aunt and my ex's family (Good times). Christmas, I was unable to go home due to a weak immune system and bad weather. I spent the holiday with my local mom (my sunshine mom, Theretha) and her family (Rough times but I made it through it). Hardest week with my condition and the people in my life, the week of Feb. 28th, really hurt my physically and emotionally. I never knew how back things would be with the people in my life. For a week, I was told some really horrible things about "myself" and how I was "behaving." I really didn't know how to handle it, so I cried for awhile and then tried to explain it to my friends and I didn't get the response back that I expected (live and learn a new lesson).

"No one fights alone"... My little piece of heaven on earth

There is a really common saying in the cancer community: "No one fights alone"! This absolutely true for my heaven sent "angels" here on earth. Like I've said once before and I'll say it until I die, my cancer diagnosis was NOT a curse it was truly a blessing of all blessings currently in my life. I'm more than grateful for the people that have helped me through this difficult time.

I truly had no idea that the people in my life cared SO MUCH about me but I soon learned. There are many days where I wished everyone had the chance to have cancer, so they could see the many blessings that are here in their lives.

Many days went by and people came and went (and in some cases came and went AGAIN) but I'm glad those stayed around. I have gained 4 mothers and alot of really close lifelong friends. I really appreciate those who hung in there when things got rough and scary for us all. I appreciate the shoulders that were given to me to cry on. I appreciate the amount of hours and visits to hospitals with me. I appreciate the many many mashed potatoes made for me (LOL)! Most of all I appreciate the time made to get my insurance in place.

So for those people in my life I leave this equation:

1 chemo mom + 5 mother figures + 3 hospitalized visits + 6 rounds of chemo treatments + 25 doctors appointments + $3,000 worth of gas + 1 round trip ticket home - the stupid behaviors - collateral damage = 1 happy, over zealous, grateful cancer survivor with a really strong army behind her!!

I LOVE EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU and thank you isn't a big enough word so I hope this helps.

Plus it's time for a party!! Who's bring the cupcakes and slurpees?! I've got the party hats :-P

The "fearful and apathetic" neurosurgeon....

So I went for a check up with my neurosurgeon today. My neurosurgeon is the BEST neurosurgeon in the area!! He has a reputation for being a really mean and horrible doctor. He is known for having a "horrible" bed side matter.

WEELLLLL..... I guess I didn't get the memo. (LOL!!) All my doctors are great but I like him the most because I get the chance to see how much he will laugh and smile with me. He has a really laid back, calm demeanor that sometimes comes off as "distant" but he is a really great guy. With that being said, here is the card that he wrote to me after my surgery:

"I have been impressed by the dignity and grace you have shown in a very difficult time. Your healthcare team (physicians, nurses, etc) is expected to administer excellent and compassionate care. The patient's response and attitude can make this challenging- or in your care- a joy and desire to go the extra mile. I have not written a note like this before. I think you should understand the positive effect you have on the people around you. If good wishes could make you well.... I don't know what the future holds for you (or me). Some times in medicine we minimize the hope since it seems unlikely. The book is about the unexpected - the spectacular. I hope you make the next edition. Your family and support team are also a joy"

Every time I go to the office, I have a great time with the staff and my appointment. (Granted I have to see a neurosurgeon because I had problems with my spine but it doesn't feel that way.) Today, it is really nice out so I asked for him to have the appointment outside just so we all could get a little vitamin D, it was ignored but he laughed at me. I love the fact that every time I leave the office that I put smile on their faces'. I can't wait until the next time I visit in 3 months.

FYI: I've been cleared to run, swim, and bike!! Plus, me and doc plan to run the Disney Marathon in Florida :-)

The physical change....

It's most commonly known and heard that women are never satisfied with the way their bodies look. I can honestly say that I have been a member of that crew. However when your body changes drastically due to medication I'm not so sure it's quite the same. My body has changed a lot in the past few months... Here's my list:
- The obvious change was my hair falling out every day.
- Taking steroids increased my weight by 15-20 lbs in a month
- My tongue changed colors ( from pink to a black color)
- My nails turned black on the base of each nail (fingers and toes)
- I have a scar that runs the complete length of my back. (my zipper)
- My face had extremely horrible acne
- I lost my eyebrows and nose hair
- My skin is incredible dry ALL OVER
- The skin on my neck and back has peeled off (sort of like Michael Jackson)
- At one point using the bathroom was extremely hard. (#2 that is)
- I'm still dealing with the fact that my mind and my bladder aren't on the same page.
( I go to the bathroom like my little brother and sister)
***Last but the best part of chemo is that I no longer get a monthly visit. :-)

Hard days are the ones when you look in the mirror and literally hate everything you see. The moment you realize thar you no longer look the same. I have learned to enjoy my inner beauty more and more each day. Truth be told hair is only a decoration nothing more.

School and Cancer.... Like oil and water

Since day one of my journey with cancer, I was a registered full time graduate student. I was in my first year when I was diagnosed. When through I went from no doctors to 4 in a single weekend, I went to every class possible. But as soon as I lost my hair and the fatigue set in things drastically changed. I had to hide what I was doing from all my friends at school. It was really hard but my grades for that semester were:
                                        3 As, a B+, and a B-
I got through it with the grace of God and the angels in my life here in Lafayette.

The spring semester started Jan. 10th: right after my grandmother's funeral and the day before chemo round 4.... It has been a true test of my strength and ability to continue to do the thing that I love. Due to the days that I felt completely unable to walk or move from chemo treatments, I missed classes. Hardest thing to do is stop when you wanna go but I was physically unable. In late February in the middle of chemo round 6, I became extremely dehydrated and I was admitted into the hospital. That following weekend and week I was not allowed to go to class. (I cried every night. I felt my dream slipping away). Even days when I wanted to go to study groups I had only 2 hours before I was ready to pass out, I still didn't tell my friends about how hard it was to be there.

FOR ABOUT 5 MONTHS I WAS LIVING A DOUBLE LIFE!! (Which really isn't my personality)

Emotionally Charged

The hardest days are the ones when I feel alone. When I feel alone, I tend to think way too much....

Ex-Boyfriend
Before my diagnosis, I had a really bad break up with someone that I CARED A LOT about. He may not have known it before but after I got the news, he was notified because I felt like he could handle the news (I really trust him). I know that I have a lot to learn but so does everyone. Even though everyone told me he was no good for me, I feel like he has thought me a lot. More than he probably could ever know.

The hardest part: I really want the best for him. I want him to be happy and enjoy life. He has a lot to offer and he will make some special woman really happy. I want him to find someone that he feels comfortable enough to open up to and be vulnerable with. I just HATE the fact that he gets the chance to move on but I don't right now (selfish... I know). He cares and that's the most important thing. Truth be told I WILL ALWAYS LOVE HIM!!

Dad and his wife
Lately, my father and I have not been able to see eye to eye (to say the least). I believe that this situation has been really hard on him. However, this situation has really been hard on me and I really expected him to step up and be there as my father but I believe he has chosen to run. I know that God says "honor thy mother and thy father" but he is truly making this hard. I can't really be there to tell him how to be a parent during this time. I can hardly be a cancer patient. The hardest part is that my father was diagnosed with a rare skin cancer. So I hoped deep down in my heart that he would be there for me. I haven't seen my father since Jan. 9th, when he dropped me off after attending my grandmother's funeral.

Some days I believe that my father doesn't really understand or get the things that he has done to me. I still love him with all my heart. I want him to just stop and open his eyes. My dad's wife has really been mean to me for whatever reason. She has made me feel like I have been mean to my father and I have not allowed him to be around. However, I told my father that he was welcomed to come whenever he wanted to. I haven't seen my step mom since December and I haven't seen my 6 year old sister and my 3 year old brother since November. I love my dad and his family so much that all I ever wanted was to be apart of it. I still wait for that day. 

Sarcoma cancer awareness color is YELLOW!!

Good morning readers!!

I found out that the official cancer awareness color is yellow!! Only question I have is since my cancer started in my liver can I claim that I have liver cancer too?! Only reason I ask that question is because the official color for liver cancer is Emerald green!!

I would prefer the green to the yellow due to the fact that it's my favorite color.

JUNE is sarcoma awareness month!! Please pass it on!

Have a great day!! :-P

Days like this...

Today was a great day. I ate a spinach salad from the student union and I went to akk of my classes. However due to the chairs my back hurts the entire time. I really get tired from the pain and it's really hard to concentrate in class when I'm in so much pain. Some how I still make it through it. The pain medicine just doesn't seem to work.

GOOD NEWS: I walked for about an hour. My back may hurt in the morning but I'm getting just another step closer to becoming normal Denise again. My hair is starting to grow back. Someone said that it looks red. We shall see soon. :-D

Song that help change my attitude

This morning on the bus I heard the song "Real" by Lupe Fiasco. There is a line in the second or third verse where he states:


"Struggle just anotha sign that God love ya/ Cuz on the low being poor keeps you humble"

** For so many reasons this diagnosis should have been a curse but how can I feel that way when I know God creates our paths? In a small way it makes me feel like I'm a little bit more loved then I thought.

Which also brings up the quote: "Without struggle there is no progress"... My next step is going to be amazing. So check me out.

My reason for the public display

I told my mom that I would give this a shot and hopefully I vent a little and I also help someone else like me.


Due to the fact that I don't wanna make my mom mad.... I did this for her!!


I love you mom (Karen)

Day One of my story telling

Good Evening readers!!

My name is not really important right now but I would like to introduce myself. I am a 25 year old Master's student born in Naperville, Ill. and raised in Atlanta, Ga. I am currently in my last semester in Purdue University's Statistics Program. I was diagnosed with cancer on September 24th, 2010.

It truly been a rough transition but I have learned a lot about myself and the people around me. My family and I were not really ready for a moment like this to happen this soon my life.

So here is the story time line of the past 6-7 months:
* Sept. 15th: I went to the PUSH (Purdue Univ. Student Hospital) Urgent Care due to the fact that I was in extreme pain in my back. In, which I was told that I have 2 crushed vertebrae. Then told to get an MRI the next day.

* Sept. 16th: I had my first MRI, in which I was told that I had a "mass" that sat on my spine and between the 2 crushed vertebrae. I sat in a chair as the center's employees tried to find a way to get me to the hospital to get a CT scan.  I was then admitted into the hospital for the weekend

* Sept. 17th: The CT scan showed that I had a mass on my liver too. So I was scheduled for my first biopsy of my liver.

* Sept. 18th: My mom and brother show up from Atlanta. I also had my second biopsy on my back. I had my first treatment of radiation therapy on the mass on my spine.

* Sept 21st: I was released from the hospital and radiation therapy

* Sept 22nd: My brother and I were told that the mass on my liver was also on my spine. Radiologist was sure that I had a cancer.

* Sept 24th: I was told that I was diagnosed with a hermangiosarcoma that has metastasized from my liver to my spine. The cancer is extremely rare and I was told to see a Sarcoma Specialist in Indianapolis.

* Oct. 1st: I was told that I would be undergoing chemotherapy for 18 weeks.

* Oct. 16th: I had my port placed on the right side of my chest.

* Oct. 26th: I realized that my legs were not working as well as they should. (they collapsed)

* Oct. 27th: I was admitted back into the hospital for another MRI (I had my first male nurse (-:)

*Oct. 28th: I had my MRI and the neurosurgeon walked that day to tell me that I was going to have major back surgery. I spent Halloween in the hospital. Not so scary.

* Nov. 8th: My first day of chemotherapy. (Scariest day of my life)

*Nov. 12th: My 25th birthday!!!

* Nov. 13th: I had dinner at one of my favorite restaurants in Lafayette (Bluefin Bistro)

*Nov. 25th: My hair starts to fall out. (Parents weren't too happy)

* Dec. 20th: I was told I would not be going home for Christmas, also that I would need my first blood transfusion.

* Dec. 24th: I spent the day with my ex and his family and my grandmother was admitted to the hospital.

* Dec. 29th: My grandmother passes away. ( I was notified in a text message) The first time I HATED having cancer!!

* Jan. 8th: Grandmother's funeral. ( Had the worse time for my neuropathy problems)

* Jan 11th: Round 4 of chemo and the first day of hell

* Jan. 15th: first day that I started to puke my brains out.

* Feb. 1st: Round 5 of chemo and the s**t really hit the fan (weakness really kicked in)

* Feb. 22nd: Round 6 of chemo and my brother's 24th birthday!! (Nausea, weakness, and fatigue)

* Feb. 26th: Hospitalized for puking blood and severe dehydration.

* Mar. 7th: Scans done on my body for update on my legions.

*Mar. 12th: I head to ATLANTA to visit my family for the week.

****More to come soon. I hope you all will stay tune for my personal struggles.