The hardest days are the ones when I feel alone. When I feel alone, I tend to think way too much....
Ex-Boyfriend
Before my diagnosis, I had a really bad break up with someone that I CARED A LOT about. He may not have known it before but after I got the news, he was notified because I felt like he could handle the news (I really trust him). I know that I have a lot to learn but so does everyone. Even though everyone told me he was no good for me, I feel like he has thought me a lot. More than he probably could ever know.
The hardest part: I really want the best for him. I want him to be happy and enjoy life. He has a lot to offer and he will make some special woman really happy. I want him to find someone that he feels comfortable enough to open up to and be vulnerable with. I just HATE the fact that he gets the chance to move on but I don't right now (selfish... I know). He cares and that's the most important thing. Truth be told I WILL ALWAYS LOVE HIM!!
Dad and his wife
Lately, my father and I have not been able to see eye to eye (to say the least). I believe that this situation has been really hard on him. However, this situation has really been hard on me and I really expected him to step up and be there as my father but I believe he has chosen to run. I know that God says "honor thy mother and thy father" but he is truly making this hard. I can't really be there to tell him how to be a parent during this time. I can hardly be a cancer patient. The hardest part is that my father was diagnosed with a rare skin cancer. So I hoped deep down in my heart that he would be there for me. I haven't seen my father since Jan. 9th, when he dropped me off after attending my grandmother's funeral.
Some days I believe that my father doesn't really understand or get the things that he has done to me. I still love him with all my heart. I want him to just stop and open his eyes. My dad's wife has really been mean to me for whatever reason. She has made me feel like I have been mean to my father and I have not allowed him to be around. However, I told my father that he was welcomed to come whenever he wanted to. I haven't seen my step mom since December and I haven't seen my 6 year old sister and my 3 year old brother since November. I love my dad and his family so much that all I ever wanted was to be apart of it. I still wait for that day.
Sometimes we must love from a distance.
ReplyDeleteI too thought your father would step up and be what you needed. I had faith that he would long after most gave up. Someone said to me, "there is no right way to handle your child being stricken with cancer but there is an incorrect way to handle it," your family found that incorrect path. I used to hold your step-mother responsible for some of your father's behavior not anymore. He is responsible for his own behavior and she is just mean. They will have to look themselves in the mirror and live with who they are. For you I wish blue skies and happiness. You have done a remarkable job to not have the family support you so deserve. xoxox...
no love lost over here maam pls believe....
ReplyDeleteafter reading all of ur posts (as up to april 15, 2011) u really have to best collection of ppl around u!!!! i mean theretha and dr d. to me, were heaven sent cuz they r goin above and beyond for u. as far as ur pops God has seen ur efforts and pls believe as long as u dont change u wont b punished.... everyone knows that if somebody wants to b there for u, theyll b there for u. its just effed up that its ur pops. honestly would u want him there if he had to b forced/told to b there for u? as far as that stepwitch of a wife he has.... FUCK THAT BITCH(excuse my language mrs theretha)i think the 5 mother figures uve gained plus ur chemo mom can fill the void that ur pops and his wife has created.... now u know u dont need all those parents and u can afford to share a couple w/ me :-D... dont b stingy now ill even settle for just one!!!!